tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84546100535795395052023-11-16T08:00:43.633+00:00The Cat's AuntLouisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-55243791219681130692012-11-01T18:54:00.002+00:002012-11-01T18:54:53.850+00:00Autistics Speaking Day '12: Bad Advice, part 3 Well, here we go with Segment Three, 'Meeting Social Expectations'.<br />
<br />
<i>White lying is an important friendship skill to have in maintaining the fragile self esteem of teenage girls. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
OK, I agree that white lying at times, and being able to phrase certain criticisms diplomatically are good skills to have. I'm just finding it quite amusing how Iland says this right after spending most a chapter happily being as blunt as possible to teenage girls.<br />
<br />
Let me get this straight:<br />
<br />
Neurotypical girls are uber-delicate sugar paper creations who'll go to bits the second they hear an implication that they're anything less than perfect. Girls with Aspergers are tin men who can never be seriously upset by anything you say or imply about them, because 'reality'. Nobody's just a person who can take some kinds of criticism well, but not other kinds.<br />
<br />
An example Lisa gives of white lying is always answering 'no' to the question "Do I look fat in this". Again, very good as a guideline, but there are always going to be exceptions, even to this 'universal rule'. When it comes to other people, the answer is always no except for when it isn't. <br />
<br />
The rest of this page is list of communication methods. It's self-explanatory, I'm going to skip over it.<br />
<br />
<i>Seeing (other) friends leaving each other comments on Myspace can cause a girl to feel left out.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
To say something positive for a change, this is actually a good point that a lot of people overlook.<br />
<br />
<i>A girl with AS should know how to show interest in these ways and work with a peer, parent or professional on knowing the right things to say in each medium of technology. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
... and they won't be able to tell her much- especially if they're a parent and she's asking about social networking sites.<br />
<br />
"What do I say on the phone/Facebook/by text" is one of those "How long is a piece of string" questions, in that there is no concrete answer. What you say depends on who you're talking to, not the gadget you're using to talk to them. Just a glance at Facebook will tell you that there isn't one definitive way to type, or a list of acceptable things to say.<br />
<br />
<i>Most girls don't want to talk about science or Star Wars. Find something to contribute to what girls talk about.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Still ignoring the existence of aspie girls who are interested in mainstream things, I see.<br />
<br />
There are a couple of solutions to this. One, find some friends who share your interests... oh, no, wait, you've got to make friends with 'popular' girls, and nobody can like science <i>and</i> be popular! OK, how about you find something you both like and talk about that... oh no, wait, Aspie Girls and Popular Girls are different species who don't have anything in common naturally! But you have to choose the Popular Girls to make friends with because... reasons.<br />
<br />
So, what do the girls in your world talk about, Lisa?<br />
<br />
<i>Boys, fashion, shopping, movies and music will always be teen topics of conversation.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Most teens watch hours of MTV. If you want to do some research on popular music and teen culture, watch MTV's Total Request Live and see the ten most popular music groups of the moment as deemed by America's teens. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Watch the TV Network E! to find out about what is going on with celebrities and fashion, another popular girl topic. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Oh.<br />
<br />
Question: Where are all these girls who only care about boys, clothes, shopping, and pop music? Because I haven't met many. The idea that they're the default girl belongs in Saturday morning cartoons with Basher Johnson.<br />
<br />
I think that if you're having to actually do research just to be able to talk to your friends, they're probably not the right ones for you. Taking an interest in aspects of a friends life that you may not be interested in is good, but the idea is that it's reciprocal- that is to say, you ask them about the One Direction concert they went to even though you don't really like that group, and they ask you about your day at ComicCon even though they don't understand see the point of it. What Iland is proposing here is completely one-sided: The aspie girl forfeits all her interests and adopts those of her friends. Her friends do nothing in return.<br />
<br />
There seems to be an attitude that young people with Aspergers don't<i> really</i> feel attached to their clothes, interests, hobbies, favourite music etc. That we have mainstream interests only because we want to fit in, and non-mainstream interests only because we don't know any better. This has already cropped up in Iland's work back in segment one, and it's resurfacing here. The idea that constantly having to talk about things she has literally no interest in, but never being allowed to share her own interests, may make an aspie girl unhappy is never really acknowledged.<br />
<br />
Oh, and this is probably a bit of a nitpick, but I'll say it anyway. Boys are a perfectly good topic of conversation... provided you're a) into them, and b) into them in the same way your friends are. Iland spends a lot of time instructing girls who don't share their friends' tastes in music, but seems to take it for granted that boy talk is accessible for everybody. It isn't. If you're a Lesbian, or asexual, or even if you just have a different taste in men to the rest of your friendship group... those conversations aren't going to be easy to navigate.<br />
<br />
Lisa then tacks on a paragraph about how she knows that not all girls are interested in fashion and pop culture. Good. I'm relieved.<br />
<br />
<i>Most high schools allow for students to start their own clubs, and that is a good way to find other like-minded specialists on the subject</i>.<br />
<br />
What's this? Good advice, described in proper detail? **Falls out of seat in shock**<br />
<br />
Next, we learn that it's helpful to be good at small talk, and get some examples of scripted exchanges ("Hi, how are you?" "Fine, thanks!"). It's fairly bland and standard, and while a lot of it would be better aimed at younger girls, there's nothing really wrong with it. I'll move on.<br />
<br />
<i>Responsiveness:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Sometimes people with AS have a harder time distinguishing responsiveness. A typical peer's claims of being "stalked and smothered" are a sign that a person with AS has a difficult time telling when interactions with a peer are responsive or avoidance behaviours. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Going by the number of times "smothering and stalking" has been mentioned so far, Lisa seems to think that all aspie girls are hopelessly clingy. Some are, but there are just as many who do not have this problem, or who struggle with the exact opposite and distance themselves unnecessarily. I know that throughout a large portion of my tween and teen years, I was terrified of appearing clingy and took ages to feel comfortable approaching a friend first, even just to say hi.<br />
<br />
<i>It is important for a girl with AS to brainstorm with a parent or professional a list of ways that teens show disinterest.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Uh, are you sure this is a good idea? By asking somebody thirty years your senior about how your peers behave, surely you risk creating more confusion than you solve?<br />
<br />
Next, we have more bland advice about entering circular conversations and choosing somewhere to sit at lunch. Mostly bland, that is.<br />
<br />
<i>Find out what teens in your town say.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Probably one of many things. Idiolects exist.<br />
<br />
<i>Younger teen girls generally equate being seen by peers without friends as being momentarily friendless. This accounts for their desire for their friends to accompany them everywhere. Being alone= being a-loner... girls who spend lunchtime by themselves should practice looking content and busy in being alone. No typical peers ant to befriend a sulky 'loner'. The only legitimate reason teens accept for being alone at lunch is because of school obligations.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I know I've asked this question, oh, a thousand times before, but one more time won't hurt. "Should we be encouraging this?"<br />
<br />
For people who don't sit alone at lunch by choice, this advice is just going to add insult to injury. For people who do prefer to be alone by choice, this advice is going to seem patronising and annoying.<br />
<br />
It also reinforces the fact that, according to Lisa, you don't get time off. You have to worry what your body and face are doing all the time, even when you're on your own. The fact that this is exhausting for most people, and therefore an unreasonable expectation, doesn't seem to have registered with her.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>In conversation (a girl) should nod her head to show she is listening and casually make eye contact every 10 seconds and look away for 5-10 seconds. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
... and then lose track of the conversation because she was too busy counting.<br />
<br />
New rule: If it requires a stopwatch, it's not necessary. 'Don't stare' and 'Try not to avoid eye contact completely' are enough, Lisa.<br />
<br />
<i>Kelsey used to hunch her back in her chair and dart piercing stares at others around the room. "I didn't know that I was frowning a lot and had an angry look on my face. When you look mad, nobody wants to talk to you or be friendly. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Fair point, but it's important to remember that there are often reasons why people look closed-off or hostile. Serious reasons, in many cases. You can't expect people who feel the exact opposite of happy and comfortable to hide it perfectly all the time. It's not 'realistic'.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>4: Bullying and Mean Girls:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Final segment! We're on the home straight! **vuvuzelas etc**<br />
<br />
<i>Facing bullies is really intimidating and unfortunately some girl bullies are relentless. Gossipping, rumour spreading and cattiness are so prevalent that popular movies such as Mean Girls have been made in response. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Lisa, you do realise that Mean Girls wasn't a documentary, right?<br />
<br />
I suppose this explains all the 'Queen Bee' business.<br />
<br />
I agree that passive-aggressive bullying like that is common, but it's far from the only way girls bully. In my experience, direct bullying- that is, saying and doing things directly <i>to </i>the victim- is much more common. Also, as with friendships, bullying isn't gender-segregated. Boys bully girls too, and they do pretty much the same things. The only real difference is that boys bullying girls often use sexual harassment as a form of humiliation; girls bullying girls do not.<br />
<br />
Next, we have a few quotes from Queen Bees and Wannabes, describing bullying. Only stereotypically 'girl' forms of bullying, though. Violence, theft, throwing insults, racism, being deliberately patronising... none of these things were mentioned.<br />
<br />
<i>Author Rosalind Wiseman suggests to parents ways that a girl can solve a situation involving gossip or rumour spreading:</i><br />
<i>- Your daughter can confront the Mean Girl...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Like most anti-bullying advice, this is good for an isolated instance of bullying, but completely useless for systematic bullying, where there are more than a couple of bullies involved.<br />
<br />
Mind you, Lisa does understand that there are a variety of reasons for bullying, ranging from insecurity to a desire for power. This is good- a lot of people generalise when it comes to this subject.<br />
<br />
Her comeback advice isn't too bad, either. If an insecurity is pointed out, calmly and confidently agree with or shrug off the insult (depending on what it is). When it comes to bullying, no response is guaranteed to work, but this one stands a better chance than most.<br />
<br />
However, she also suggests ignoring the bullies, which sometimes works and sometimes just makes them press harder for a reaction. It's worth a try, but don't depend on it, in other words.<br />
<br />
Some of Lisa's non-aspie friends share their experiences with bullying. Their advice ranges from pleasant...<br />
<br />
<i>You may not get along with everyone, but there are other people like you somewhere that you will get along with. I was lucky enough o find them in choir and theatre. It's people that are like me. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
... to accurate, if short-sighted<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>"(Bullies bully) because it's easy to pick on people who don't defend themselves. In a way, picking on people protects the person from being picked on themselves."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
(True, but chances are, if somebody's not defending themselves, it's because they can't. Maybe they're outnumbered, maybe they've already tried several methods and found none of them really worked. Nobody refuses to stand up for themselves because they don't want to.)<br />
<br />
... to motivational<br />
<br />
<i>Building confidence and skills in a sport, club, or activity helps. They could pick on me all they wanted but when I stepped on a softball field I was the best and they could never take that away from me. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
... to questionable.<br />
<br />
<i>I was definitely picked on for being fat. Although I was bullied a lot, I never let it get to me because I was a stronger person than that. I think that people who get made fun of tend to keep the mean comments with them and start to believe them because of the repetitive nature of bullying... The way I overcame being bullied was I changed myself, and got healthier, not for everyone else, but to make myself happier. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
If you're able to shrug off bullying and not let it get to you, brilliant! But people who don't manage to do that aren't weak- different people respond to stimuli differently, and individual circumstances can have a huge impact. For example, if a victim of bullying doesn't have a close family or many friends, the bullies' opinions are the ones they'll hear the most. In this kind of circumstance, it's very easy to start believing you are ugly/stupid/worthless, because you never get told anything to the contrary.<br />
<br />
Also, this person's end advice is "change yourself to stop bullying", which is awful for two reasons: One, not everybody is capable of changing the thing that they're being bullied over. Now, I'm not naive enough to think that losing weight is just a matter of calories in- calories out. For many people, it's nowhere near that simple. However, I think we can all agree that most people do have a degree of control over their body size, making "stop being fat" a possible option. The same cannot be said for, say, gender identity. Or disability. Or height. Or nationality. Some people even get bullied because of a rumour, or because they have a certain reputation. If you're in a position like that, "change yourself" is completely useless advice.<br />
<br />
Secondly, even people who<i> can</i> change themselves shouldn't be expected to. If you're being bullied over something you can alter, such as weight or clothing, it doesn't mean you brought it on yourself and are now obliged to change to suit the bully. The bully is the one whose behaviour is harmful and unacceptable, so the bully is the one who needs to change. Telling the victim that they need to act as though the bully's right is not good advice.<br />
<br />
And to round it all off... cyberbullying! Iland mentions anonymous bullying (huzzah!), but also places the responsibility squarely on the victim's shoulders (getting a new account is a good idea, but the victim shouldn't have to take all the evasive action).<br />
<br />
<i>It is important to teach girls with AS online safety, never posting an address, last name, or telephone number online; only giving information over the internet to trusted real-life friends, not people met online; and never meeting an online friend in person, at least without her parent being present. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Most of this is fairly sensible advice, I'm just amused by how quickly it's outdating. I remember being younger and having my parents warn me against meeting people from the internet, who were inevitably fifty year old truckers with dodgy motivations. These days, many people make friends online, and a great number of meet-ups are organised that way. "Never meet an online friend in person" just doesn't apply any more.<br />
<br />
Lisa then says that girls with AS should be careful who they befriend (why us specifically?), then brings in her friend Megan to explain in more detail.<br />
<br />
<i>It is important that you are careful who you choose to be friends with, they could be using you or get you into trouble, or even involved with drugs and alcohol. Don't fold into peer pressure or get in dangerous situations. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
So, after spending countless pages detailing the many ways in which girls with AS should bow to peer pressure, we're now being told not to. I... actually have no idea what to make of this. "Don't fold into peer pressure". Wow. Have you read your chapter, Lisa?<br />
<br />
This also skips over the fact that plenty aspie teen girls who've tried drugs and/or alcohol didn't need encouragement from anybody else. We're not all completely straight edge, and even those of us who are don't generally recoil in horror when hearing anecdotes from friends who are not.<br />
<br />
The final paragraph starts like this:<br />
<br />
<i>"Girls with AS are bright and beautiful and have intellect, talents and skills that many typical peers wish they had." </i><br />
<br />
Lisa, it's all very well saying that now, but after spending an entire chapter talking about how we're all clingy, miserable, stalkers who never get anything right, the damage has probably been done.<br />
<br />
It's interesting how Lisa oscillated from describing aspie teen girls completely negatively to completely positively. Why can't we just be people? Actually, I'd pose the same question about neurotypical girls, who have been described throughout the book as shallow, bitchy, unintelligent, and manipulative. Teenage girls, of any neurotype, are not caricatures.<br />
<br />
So... final thoughts: <i>Girl to Girl</i> has some reasonable and even good advice in places, but that's dwarfed by the sheer amount of unwise, impractical and unfair advice that gets given out. It shows no respect to anybody's boundaries or individuality, expecting aspie girls to sacrifice themselves for popularity whilst simultaneously reducing the 'popular' NT girls down to walking tropes. Iland doesn't seem to have any respect for teenage girls as a group, and shows little understanding of the negative effects her words could have on an already insecure aspie teenager. She never fully explains why she expects aspie girls to place so much importance on popularity and conformity. She claims to be realistic, but much of what she says is anything but.<br />
<br />
Final conclusion, this chapter is probably best skipped.<br />
<br />Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-80178257834516476192012-11-01T15:26:00.001+00:002012-11-01T15:26:14.334+00:00Autistics Speaking Day '12: Bad Advice, Part 2So, we kick off segment deux with more... well, Iland's talking about social hierarchies in schools again, and she's still getting real life mixed up with Mean Girls.<br />
<br />
She describes three levels of popularity: 'Popular/Elite', 'Middle/Mainstream', and 'Unique/Unusual'. I'm going to call bullshit on 'elite' straight away- no teenager gets treated like royalty by every single one of their peers. She's also wrong about 'Unique/Unusual' equating to 'unpopular'- I've had a couple of noticeably eccentric friends who were very well liked, mostly because they were good at making others laugh. In my experience, whether somebody's weirdness has a negative effect on their popularity or not depends on multiple factors, many of which will vary by region. Plus, many of the 'unusual' people who <i>were</i> ostracised didn't have high opinions of some of the 'popular' people, and... oh, screw it, It'd take until Christmas to dissect everything here.<br />
<br />
One thing I will point out though is Iland's failure to factor in the mixed-gender nature of most teenage social circles. All her advice is geared towards befriending groups made up entirely of girls, which is a bit silly, considering how most people have both male and female friends by the age of thirteen. Lisa seems to be working under the assumption that boys and girls live in separate worlds- an assumption that simply isn't true.<br />
<br />
Basically, a real school's social network is essentially a big web. Iland seems to think it's a column.<br />
<br />
Next, Kelsey's back for another soundbite- and she actually has some reasonable advice this time! Huzzah!<br />
<br />
<i>I just started saying hey to people around campus who would say it back, and now after building on that, I have friends in many different groups!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Yep, it's true that making yourself appear open to friendship is a good way to get to know people. Obviously it's not foolproof, and it isn't always possible for those who struggle with confidence, but if you're able to do this, go for it!<br />
<br />
Of course, prior to the reasonable advice, there was a bit of waffle about starting low and working up the popularity hierarchy, because friends just aren't worthwhile unless everybody else loves them too, amiright? >.<<br />
<br />
<i>Understanding the structure of popularity at school is not intended to make a girl feel as though she doesn't measure up</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Maybe not, but that's the effect this chapter is most likely to have.<br />
<br />
<i>If a girl with AS has dreams of elite popularity, she has to begin somewhere.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Again... should we really be encouraging thirteen year olds to value popularity, and give up multiple aspects of their personalities in order to achieve it? I don't think so.<br />
<br />
*sigh*<br />
<br />
This kind of advice would never be given to neurotypical girls on a platform this prominent. Books about NT girls, quite rightly, tell them to be themselves and stand against peer pressure. Why should it be any different for neurodivergent girls?<br />
<br />
<i>In order to potentially befriend a person from a popular/elite group, a girl has to at least be in a middle/mainstream group. Often people belonging to the popular/elite group will not befriend girls from anywhere else. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I can sort of see what she's getting at, but when it comes down to it, no, sorry. Human interaction is waaay too complicated to be reduced down to a maths equation. Web, not column.<br />
<br />
<i>My Brother with AS kept asking the prettiest and most popular girls to date him... However, it was unsuccessful because he was at a different level of popularity than they were... The positive solution to the dilemma he was that he could find nice, friendly girls who were 'in his league' to at least begin developing dating skills with, and then see what happens. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Ah... ha...<br />
<br />
The impression I'm getting here is that Lisa Iland told her Brother to start out dating 'within his league', then work his way 'up'. Which means that his first girlfriends- probably 'unique/unusual' girls (just like you, reader!)- were essentially being used as crash test dummies. The 'nice girls in his league' weren't going to be the girls Mini Iland would date <i>properly</i>, they were going to be his training bras until he managed to become popular enough to get the girls he<i> really</i> wanted.<br />
<br />
I hope I'm completely wrong about that, because if I'm not... Jesus. That is terrible advice. Somebody who wants to teach us all social skills has just told a young boy to use girls he's not really into as stepping stones. The last place I saw that being advocated was a PUA site- places not exactly known for good interpersonal relations.<br />
<br />
<i>There is a hierarchy of interaction that typical peers are finely tuned to, but that girls with AS may not be. This hierarchy is comprised of different levels of relationship. When a girl with AS is gossipped about by peers who say "I just don't know her that well, she gives way too much information, she is very odd" etc, it is because the information shared, or the action done by the girl with AS, was inconsistent with the level of relationship as perceived by the peer. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Levels of relationship: </i><br />
<i>5) Close Friends</i><br />
<i>4) Friends</i><br />
<i>3) Acquaintances</i><br />
<i>2) Familiar Faces</i><br />
<i>1) Strangers</i><br />
<br />
Passive aggressive prod at the reader (who is definitely being gossipped about lolol) aside, there's something I'd like to point out here:<br />
<br />
I don't like the implication that everybody else is 'finely tuned' to everything and only girls with AS struggle. This is a common assumption people tend to make when writing about autism, and I really think it's counterproductive. Those of us on the spectrum may be more prone to making social mistakes. but we don't have a monopoly on them. Acting as though we do is likely to make young autistic people feel more alienated, not less. How can they look at their NT peers and think "they're not so different" when they're being told that all neurotypicals have savant-like abilities when it comes to social skills? How can they feel confident talking to NTs when literature is framing them as almost a separate species?<br />
<br />
Neurotypical people can be socially awkward. They will fuck up occasionally. They can feel uncomfortable and get confused, and accidentally offend people, and make misjudgements. I've met a few who've managed to put their feet in their mouths in ways I could never manage. Even the most socially brilliant people get it wrong from time to time. When it comes to socialising, nobody's perfect.<br />
<br />
The next few paragraphs are basically just more detailed descriptions of the levels of relationship. They work quite well as guidelines I suppose, but they do oversimplify a<i> lot</i>. For example:<br />
<br />
<i>A close friend might not mind hearing about Star Wars for 30 minutes, but it could mean the end of an Acquaintanceship.</i><br />
<br />
... Unless, of course, the acquaintance also likes Star Wars.<br />
<br />
A close friend who wants you to change the subject for whatever reason may just say so. Strong relationships are often more direct.<br />
<br />
<i>A girl with AS should practice retelling stories, or talking on a subject, based on whom the listener is. A trusted adult or peer mentor can discuss and establish what time limits are appropriate. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I understand that techniques for improving social skills are highly subjective, but I'm not so sure about this one.You can't predict how an entire conversation will go, so diligently rehearsing one with notes and a stopwatch seems a bit pointless. I mean, you could decide to spend a minute telling your casual friend about your holiday (the example given by Iland), and then get to school and find that your casual friend has been to two of the towns you visited, and has always wanted to visit the theme park you went to, and is curious about the world war one trenches her family didn't get round to seeing, and wants to know if you had thunderstorms too... and next thing you know, you've been comparing notes for an hour.<br />
<br />
aaand Lisa pretty much admits this in the next paragraph, which begs the question as to why she wrote that particular instruction in the first place.<br />
<br />
<i>Sometimes girls with AS may mistakenly believe that they are friends or close friends with an acquaintance or a familiar face. This can cause social upset and potential humiliation in front of peers. In order to be socially successful, a girl with AS needs to practice taking perspective, and although Theory of Mind makes this difficult, she will have to practice imagining what the other person thinks of her, possibly using visible data from her interactions if the idea is not concrete enough.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I'm not sure what the current stance of the Theory of Mind, er, theory, is, but I'm not too comfortable with Iland's blanket assumption that girls with AS don't have it.<br />
<br />
The Sims is then suggested as a teaching tool. The idea is that observing their interactions could help an aspie teenage girl understand what's appropriate to say to whom. The Sims... isn't a game I associate with realistic human behaviour (surrounding somebody with plastic garden ornaments= killing them, for instance). I'm not sure it could help people with much more than the very basics, which most girls will already have by the time they're teenagers.<br />
<br />
<i>If enough friendship mistakes are made, a friend could go back to being an acquaintance. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>I do wish people would stop trying to tell young people on the spectrum that making friends is like keeping a tamagotchi happy. Teaching somebody that s/he has a level of control over other people's thoughts and feelings that s/he, in fact, does not have and can never have, can cause problems for them further down the line. For instance:<br />
<br />
- If you've been raised to believe that other people's reactions correspond perfectly to your behaviour, you're going to immediately seek to blame yourself if something goes wrong.<br />
<br />
- Thinking you have to keep other people completely happy at all times in order to remain friends with them may cause you to start discarding your personal boundaries.<br />
<br />
- It makes you catastrophise minor mistakes- thinking a friendship is going to end because your friend didn't understand a joke you made.<br />
<br />
Other people's thoughts and feelings are dependent on lots of things. If they're in a bad mood, don't instantly assume it's your fault and don't take it as a personal failure if you can't make them happy.<br />
<br />
Yes, this is coming from personal experience.<br />
<br />
<i>Girls travel in packs and have a group mentality</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
People =/= wolves. Or elephants. Or lions, or sheep, or any other kind of herd/pack animal. Teenagers often conform to their friends wishes, but they're not mindless drones.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, has taught hundreds of teen girls and has come to see patterns in the roles that teen girls play in their group structures. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Wiseman classifies them as:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b><i>7 Common Roles Girls Play in Cliques</i></b><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
Iland then lists Wiseman's seven roles. All but two are negative. You have the Queen Bee, a shallow manipulative type who lords it over everybody else; Her sycophantic sidekick; <i>her </i>sycophantic sidekick; a gossipy type who manages to extract everybody else's personal information whilst still appearing innocent; and the person the others pick on. There's also the morally neutral 'torn bystander', who often goes against the cliques' wishes. The only 'positive' role is the floater or drifter- a person who has friends in different groups and divides her time between them.<br />
<br />
Lisa's opinion of teenage girls doesn't seem to be too favourable, and she seems to buy into the idea of female friendship as a silent battle ground in which nobody truly likes or respects anyone else. Is she sure she's the best person to be giving advice to teen girls?<br />
<br />
I'm really starting to wonder what school Iland went to by this point. I've never met anybody who fits her definition of a Queen Bee- a snobby, conventionally pretty, manipulative person who everybody else worships as a God. I've met popular girls, pretty girls, girls who look down on others... but not too many who fit all three categories, and nobody who got treated like Royalty by everyone around her.<br />
<br />
Queen Bees are like gangs of bullies with leather jackets, crew-cuts and names like Basher Johnson. Caricatures hardly ever seen outside fiction.<br />
<br />
Most teenagers don't belong to 'cliques' either. Even the tightest friendship groups have a degree of fluidity, and hardly anybody's friendship circle is limited to just their main friendship group. I've found it's often hard to tell where a friendship group ends, as people who are friends with only one or two members will often temporarily join it, or hang around on the fringes.<br />
<br />
And once again... by the age of thirteen, most people have both male and female friends. Where are the boys in all this?<br />
<br />
<i>When a new person is brought into the group, the existing structure has to shift</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
This happens all the time. Most of the time, it doesn't cause much conflict.<br />
<br />
<i>When a girl with AS is not 'clicking' with a group of girls, she should analyse what possible reasons, other than her own actions, could have caused the lack of success.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
This wouldn't be bad advice, were it not for the fact that Iland's encouraging girls to classify their new friends as 'pleasers', 'targets' and 'sidekicks'.<br />
<br />
The next segment of advice actually isn't too bad. It's about best friends, and how becoming a third wheel in a pre-existing close friendship can potentially unsettle things. It only starts to go off the rails slightly at the end, when Iland starts describing girls as 'claimed'.<br />
<br />
<i>Disclosing Aspergers Syndrome to friends:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Ohh... this one's going to be, er, fun.<br />
<br />
<i>Disclosing Aspergers Syndrome is something that requires planned and careful consideration. Girls should consult trusted adults for guidance, and discuss what to say. Disclosing can lead to many different outcomes, and often depend on who the peers are as individuals, and how the information on Aspergers is presented. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I'm on the fence about this. I think it's up to the individual how they disclose any information about themselves. Carefully planning a 'coming out' speech is a perfectly valid option, but it shouldn't be a <i>requirement</i>. Some people prefer to be open from the start; others are more comfortable casually mentioning it should it come up in conversation.<br />
<br />
I personally follow the "if you don't treat it like a big deal, they won't treat it like a big deal" school of thought. The only time I've planned was when applying for a voluntary role that required high levels of empathy- something many people still think people with Aspergers don't have. Even then, my plan was simply "Don't tell anybody until you've proven you can do the job". I've never made an elaborate ploy.<br />
<br />
<i>A girl with Aspergers should be very sure she can trust a person before disclosing to him/her.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Once again... not necessarily.<br />
<br />
<i>Sometimes it is hard to tell if letting your friends know that you have AS will help socially. Will it make it easier to fit in? </i><br />
<br />
Yeah, like <i>that's</i> the only potential variable.<br />
<br />
Other reasons why you might want to tell a friend that you have AS.<br />
<br />
- They keep making jokes about disability that you find hurtful, and you need to be able to explain why you're not laughing.<br />
- They have a lot of misconceptions about what AS is, and you want to put them right.<br />
- They've asked directly.<br />
- They're feeling insecure about their disability, and you want to tell them about yours in order to let them know that you understand.<br />
- You're feeling insecure about a problem relating to your AS, and would like your friend's support or advice.<br />
- They keep calling out/making fun of something you do that you, due to your AS, have limited control over (for example, a strong aversion to a texture or noise) . You'd like to explain this to them.<br />
- An opportunity for mentioning it just comes up in conversation, and you decide to take it.<br />
<br />
... you get the idea.<br />
<br />
And to round off this (very long) segment... here's Kelsey with a personal anecdote I'm not sure what to make of.<br />
<br />
<i>When my friends are upset at me and I don't know what I've done, I ask another person, "Did I do something wrong? What social error did I make?" I have to work on being receptive and listening to their feedback. </i><br />
<br />
I'm torn. On one hand, trying to understand what you did to upset the other person so that you can apologise is infinitely better than shouting "Fuck them! They need to grow a backbone!" and storming off. However... is taking this much responsibility all the time such a good idea?<br />
<br />
Next time, parts three and four. Meeting Social Expectations and Bullying. Eep.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-30143093384346107032012-11-01T15:24:00.000+00:002012-11-01T15:24:36.904+00:00Autistics Speaking Day '12: Bad Advice. Part 1Four years ago, when I was about fifteen, I was given the Tony Attwood book <i>Aspergers and Girls</i> by the head of my school's Learning Support. She told me to look at a chapter called "Girl to Girl, advice on Friendship, Bullying and Fitting in", and explained that, while she doubted that it would appeal to me, she thought it was worth having a look at.<br />
<br />
This chapter was written by a neurotypical woman called Lisa Iland, whose knowledge of Aspergers comes from one Brother and an unknown quantity of friends. The main gist of her advice- aimed at teenage girls- was "conform as much as possible". Being a stubborn babybat with no doubt in my mind that completely changing myself wasn't something I wanted to do, I handed it straight back with a "thanks but no thanks". However, while I was certain that Iland's advice would be no use to me, I didn't have any problems with it from an objective standpoint. Hey, maybe Miss Congeniality-esque personality transplants genuinely help some people. This advice probably has merit for <i>someone</i> out there. <i> </i><br />
<br />
I'm not sure exactly when that opinion changed. All I can assume is that, at some point in the last two years, I found myself looking back on the book with a slight feeling of unease. I remember searching out reviews of the chapter to see if anyone else found Iland's advice somewhat... questionable, and was relieved to discover that they did. <br />
<br />
<i>Obviously</i> from there the only sensible thing to do was to plan to publically rip the chapter apart one day, and, well, what better day than Autistics Speaking Day? This is <i>Girl to Girl, advice on Friendship, Bullying and Fitting in</i>- the dissection.<br />
<br />
*<br />
<br />
Iland's chapter begins with a long preamble about what makes her qualified to give Aspie teenage girls friendship advice. To be fair, it's not the worst set of justifications I've seen. She isn't aspie herself, but has had enough school-based contact with aspies to have a fairly good idea of what our educational lives are like. I'm not convinced that she understands things quite as well as she claims to, but I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. The only bit that raises my eyebrows is this:<br />
<br />
<i>I hope to explain the teen scene that a parent of professional may need to know about to help their child or client be successful, with rules that a teen girl with AS could use herself. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
OK, I may be going off on a slight tangent with this criticism... but I'm not sure making parents the primary audience is the best idea. Hardly any teenagers tell their parents absolutely everything, so it's unlikely that a parent will know every detail about their child's life at school. Even if they do, there's only so much they'll be able to help with. A thirteen year old's problems generally can't be magicked away by Mum and Dad like a three year old's can.<br />
<br />
Anyway, preamble out of the way, Lisa moves on to the actual advice.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><i>The Four Essential Areas to Know in order to fit in:</i></span><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>- Creating appeal and image </i><br />
<i>- Understanding where to fit in</i><br />
<i>- Meeting social expectations</i><br />
<i>- Overcoming Bullying and Mean Girls</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Already this sounds a little clinical. You 'create appeal and image' for products, not people.<br />
<br />
Lisa starts by listing the qualities she would look for in a friend. Her word choices are the kind everybody would make- after all, who wants friends who are not 'kind' and 'friendly'? The problem comes with the subjectivity innate in some of these words. For example, one of the personality traits which would turn Lisa off a person is 'obnoxious hyperactivity', but hyperactivity is one of those things everybody has different tolerance levels for. One person's 'obnoxious and annoying' is another person's 'fun and lively'. Sometimes one person's tolerance levels for hyperactivity can vary depending on their mood, so that they find their manic friend funny one day and overbearing the next.<br />
<br />
Another one of the traits Lisa insists on is 'appropriate volume of speech'. Now, correct me if I'm wrong here, but is this not one of the thing aspies often have legitimate problems maintaining? I know I do- I talk too quietly when I'm nervous and too loudly when I'm enthusiastic about what I'm saying. I don't do it deliberately- in fact, I'm often not aware that my tone is 'off' unless somebody points it out to me. On more than one occasion, I've been shushed whilst hearing my own voice as barely more than a whisper, or told to speak up when I think I'm being perfectly clear. I also have problems with auditory integration, in that conversation becomes impossible to follow if there's too much background noise. I'm sure I've often raised my voice to talk over a distant vacuum cleaner, or a nearby conversation, without realising that the other person does not need me to do this.<br />
<br />
Vocal control problems aren't limited to Neuroatypical people, either. I have one NT friend who is also prone to 'getting loud' at times on account of being partially deaf, and I can think of at least two others who start shouting when they're in a hyper mood. None of them do it on purpose.<br />
<br />
The point I'm making is that controlling speech volume can be genuinely hard for some people for a variety of reasons. I'm not convinced that Lisa understands this, and I'm not convinced her request for aspie girls to eliminate vocal weirdness is a reasonable one.<br />
<br />
<i>Social inappropriateness is considered acceptable once a girl is an established friend.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
True, to a degree, and I'm pleasantly surprised that Iland mentioned this. However, facts like this all too often call the need for 'rules' into question. I often wonder how wise it is to raise aspie kids with the belief that there are strict right and wrong ways to do absolutely everything, when this is not the case.<br />
<br />
<i>Option 1: Mainstream your image... Option 2: Stay within the unique/unusual rankings of the social hierarchy. </i><br />
<br />
These are the headings of two paragraphs. They're fairly self explanatory. In the first, Lisa says that looking like everyone else will get you more friends. In the second, she says that looking like everyone else isn't compulsory, but warns that you may be less popular if you choose to continue in your unfashionable ways. She then says that even 'unfashionable' girls follow certain standards, and we get some slightly dodgy, 1984-ish commentary about school social hierarchies that makes me wonder whether Lisa's basing her advice on Teen Movie schools instead of real ones. I'm open to the possibility that this could be down to some cultural difference (Iland's American, I'm British), but I doubt it.<br />
<br />
Iland also seems to have ruled out the existence of aspie girls who follow fashion of their own accord, for some reason.<br />
<br />
<i>Peers will be less judgemental if there's less to judge.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Surely it's better to raise children to be more accepting of differences than it is to make everyone the same? All the latter is likely to do is make life harder for those who can't help but be different, whilst creating teenagers who can't deal with people who aren't exactly like them. Where are the benefits there?<br />
<br />
<i>Updating and Improving Image:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
... and here comes the questionable.<br />
<br />
<i>Girls with AS do not necessarily need to buy the most high fashion clothes, but should wear clothes that are attractive and viewed by peers as acceptable.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
See that word, 'should'? Lisa, you were kind of admitting that this is all optional a moment ago. Why are we suddenly talking in shoulds?<br />
<br />
The 'attractive' requirement is pinging a couple of alarm bells, but in and of itself it's too general to justify complaining about. Got my eye on you, sunshine.<br />
<br />
Iland mentions self esteem and confidence building. Right after talking about how nobody wants to be associated with unfashionable people. Because nothing makes you feel good about yourself like being told you need to change your entire wardrobe in order to become likable.<br />
<br />
And to round off the image segment, one of Iland's aspie friends, Kelsey, makes a cameo:<br />
<br />
<i>Some people say "If I change the way I look I am not being true to myself. You should like people for who they are on the inside." While this is true, it is not reality. People are friendlier when you look more mainstream. And you are still true to yourself even if you change something about the way you look. Girls with AS should ask themselves: "Is this really who I am, or am I willing to change it for success?" </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
It's closer to reality than Kelsey is making it out to be. Everyone makes a few base assumptions on the grounds of clothing (and mainstream clothing is not immune to negative associations), but most people are also open to the possibility that these assumptions could be wrong. Maybe teenage girls are, on average, more judgemental than adult women, but is that something we should be encouraging? I don't think so.<br />
<br />
And if the girl asks herself that question and comes to the conclusion that yes, this is really who she is? I take it that's allowed?<br />
<br />
Oh, and Kelsey's point that changing something about your appearance needn't be a big deal would stand up much better were it not for some of the advice you'll be seeing later on. More makeup and trendier clothing isn't all Lisa wants from you. By a long way. <br />
<br />
By the way, Kelsey used to be a 'tomboy' who dressed casually. If this needed to be changed, the boundaries of acceptability are worryingly narrow.<br />
<br />
For a few final thoughts on this chapter...<br />
<br />
Aside from the whole 'policing girls' appearances' aspect, I feel there are quite a few things Iland has just plain overlooked. For one thing, many people on the autistic spectrum are sensitive to particular types of fabric, which may mean they are unable to wear certain trendy items. Others are averse to tight clothing, and therefore need to stick to loose T-shirts, trousers and skirts. This, like vocal control, is not an easy thing to control. If rough fabrics hurt, they hurt, and why should be people be made to feel that they have to wear clothes that cause them discomfort?<br />
<br />
Religion has been ignored too. It isn't mainstream to wear a hijab... so should Muslim girls with AS take theirs off? Should Christian girls in secular areas remove their crucifixes? Should Sikh girls cut their hair? Iland's spent a lot of time telling everybody to make themselves look as mainstream as possible, but she hasn't really balanced it out with reassurances that the individual gets to decide where the line is. You don't get to the end of this segment feeling as though your boundaries or individuality matter much. I can see girls reading this and feeling obliged to make changes they shouldn't have to.<br />
<br />
Although Iland talks briefly about aspie girls being tomboys, the possibility of them seeking to take part in alternative subcultures is left completely off the map. I'm not sure quite why... sure the existence of non-mainstream sources of social inclusion is relevant?<br />
<br />
In part two, more on Social Structures! Joy.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-54130606537851830002012-08-13T21:28:00.002+01:002012-08-13T21:28:13.746+01:00Remnants of the Goth ChallengeBecause I am determined to finish this no matter what.<br />
<br />
<b>Day 26: Show a photo for every year that you've been into Goth:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Wait, I was supposed to be keeping track? XD<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Day 27: The worst thing you ever did to a newbie:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Why would I go out of my way to wind up somebody who's done nothing to piss me off? The worst thing a 'newbie' is likely to do is call something Goth when it's not, which is hardly the end of the world. All you need to do is say "Actually, (band) is (genre), not Goth". Problem solved. No more fuss needed.<br />
<br />
I'm not a fan of the idea that newbies are fair game just because they're new, or young. I've seen a lot of people try to justify blatant nastiness towards them with comments such as "they won't learn if you don't tell them they're wrong" and "the subculture doesn't exist to coddle you, I went through it, you should too." Neither of these excuses stand up. Rudeness isn't necessary to correct somebody who has made a mistake, and you can't expect people to meekly accept unfair treatment. I've never seen anybody asking to be coddled, either- the "we're not here to coddle you" line always seems to be used whenever somebody expresses fear of hostility. There's a big difference between wanting Goth to be a magic happy-clappy fantasy land, and wanting Goth to be generally non-judgemental towards newcomers.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Day 28: Do you consider yourself an Eldergoth?: </b><br />
<br />
... No. Definitely not. I'm way too young.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Day 29: What do you think will happen to Goth in the future?:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
At the moment the subculture seems to be widening its' boundaries. The 'Goth is what you make it' school of thought is growing all the time, and it looks set to eventually eclipse the more purist views of Goth. While it's impossible to know for certain what the future holds, I can see the definition of Goth becoming more hazy in the next few years as more and more people start to accept modern interpretations as legitimate. There also seem to be quite a few people around now who are opposed to subcultural elitism, so with any hope there'll eventually be a bit less of it.<br />
<br />
<b>Day 30: Make a list of blogs you regularly read and link to them?: </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Not counting blogs I've linked to in earlier posts:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://gothconfessions.tumblr.com/">http://gothconfessions.tumblr.com/</a><br />
<a href="http://thebbrants.blogspot.co.uk/">http://thebbrants.blogspot.co.uk/</a><br />
<a href="http://anonymousgothcat.blogspot.co.uk/">http://anonymousgothcat.blogspot.co.uk/</a><br />
<br />
The first is a very diverse and friendly Tumblr community, the latter two are mostly personal blogs. Go and have a read. :)Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-74430623089303325652012-07-26T03:48:00.001+01:002012-07-26T03:48:39.264+01:00Some notes on Cruxshadows.So, last night I saw Cruxshadows play at the Talking Heads. At the moment the words I really want to write are "Squeee", "Fuck, yes!", "Yay!" and, er, "*.*", but I'll try to articulate my thoughts a bit better than that.<br />
<br />
I'll start at the beginning. Note to anyone going to a gig alone: Arrive shortly before Open Doors, not half an hour before like I did. Waiting on your own for a long period of time isn't the most fun of activities. However, it does give you time to people watch, and one of the things that struck me whilst I was hanging around was the massive differences in the ages of the other fans. There were people around my age right up to people in their 50's and possibly 60's, which I thought was just fantastic.<br />
<br />
We went in a little late for some reason, but none the worse for it.<br />
<br />
There were two support bands: Dreams Divided, who I didn't realise were playing until they got on stage and introduced themselves, and AlterRed, who'd been booked from the start. Despite their last minute appearance, the former band did better than the latter, partly because they had an entire entourage with them, partly because they're known locally (or so I hear), and partly because the frontman was very good at rabble rousing. Or maybe it was just because they were on first, and managed to catch the crowd when we were raring to go. Either way, AlterRed didn't really get a very good run of it- they had very few of their own fans in, and they had the awkward slot between the first support act and the main act, which everyone seemed to want to save their energy for. The microphone also decided to throw a wobbly just as they were starting up, ruining their entrance a bit. They handled everyone's lack of enthusiasm pretty well, but I felt a bit bad for them nonetheless.<br />
<br />
Because I believe in always supporting the support act whether you know of them or not, I started nodding along the second Dreams Divided came on. I didn't want to dance- partly because I had a half-drunk bottle of Budweiser in my hand, partly because I can't dance. However, it wasn't long before I realised that nobody else could either, so once I'd got rid of my drink I gave it the full drunk Uncle treatment. I kept this up for the next three hours. It was great fun and I regret nothing.<br />
<br />
Storytime: During the first interval I went and asked one of the bartenders if there was anywhere I could leave my bag. I got given some directions to a cloakroom, but following them turned up only a locked door, so I went on a bit of a search. This involved a lot of wandering around looking awkward, and, because I didn't know the layout of the Heads, walk up the stairs, where it turns out you aren't supposed to go unless you're actually playing. I realised this the second I reached the top steps and saw there was nothing up there except an empty cupboard and a room full of band members, and began the slow walk of shame back downstairs, feeling like a character in a dodgy sitcom.<br />
<br />
I also got hijacked by two great people! After my failed Cloakroom Quest, I got talking to Rosemarie and Amy (of <a href="http://ultimategothguide.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/concert-dreams-divide-alterred-and.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+TheUltimateGothGuide+(The+Ultimate+Goth+Guide)" target="_blank">Stripy Tights and Dark Delights</a>, on which she has posted a proper review and a wonderful assortment of photos- go and have a look), and I ended up just... staying with them. We spent the rest of the show dancing around in a corner, next to a woman who had glowsticks and very impressive hair falls.<br />
<br />
So Cruxshadows came on, and my favourite song got played, which I was very happy about. OK, that's a mild understatement there. Everyone has songs that are personally very significant to them, and <i>Quicksilver</i> is one of mine, so hearing it played live was really quite special. I think I actually spent half the song with my eyes shut, trying to take it in properly, as cheesy as that sounds.<br />
<br />
... I was also mouthing along badly. Maybe that balances it out.<br />
<br />
Throughout their lengthy set, they played a good mix of 'old favourites' and songs from their upcoming new album, which I without a doubt will be investigating when it's eventually released. The quality was consistently brilliant throughout, with every member performing perfectly, and the usual levels of crowd interaction were present. Full introductions, walking amongst the audience whilst singing, pulling chairs into the middle of the audience and standing on them whilst singing, daft dances with fans...<br />
<br />
Just what you'd expect, really.<br />
<br />
I don't think I stood still for a second for the... well, however long they were on. Needless to say, I was exhausted by the time they left the stage, and was too busy trying to catch my breath to join in with the shouts for "encore". These shouts were eventually successful. After about five minutes (which I'd spent trying fruitlessly to get a drink), the band wandered back onto the stage and picked up their instruments once more.<br />
<br />
They performed two songs, and during the second one, <i>Marilyn my Bitterness</i>, Rogue started pulling everyone in reach up onto the stage, and within a minute most of the audience were up there, myself included, jumping around under the lights. This was brilliant fun and probably the highlight of the entire thing. It's also given me a new addiction to that song- I've spent significant portions of today playing it on a loop.<br />
<br />
The bands had intermingled amongst us right through the show- I had various Cruxshadows standing next to and behind me whilst Dreams Divide were on, The Dreams Divide entourage themselves blended in so well I didn't even realise they were with the band at first, and even members of AlterRed weren't safe from my dancing- according to Rosemarie, one of them got a faceful of my hair. I'm also convinced that everybody in the building got a hug off Rogue at one point or another. I got hugged after confusing the hell out of him- he'd been looking right at me when I'd appeared at the top of the stairs like a stalker, and after much mental debating, I decided to go over and apologise, even though there was a good chance he'd have no clue what I was on about (this was the case, as it turned out- but I think he got the general gist).<br />
<br />
(I can't work out whether that particular event had good connotations or bad ones. I mean, on one hand, I had the courage to go and talk to somebody I wouldn't usually feel able to approach, which is good and, along with other events of the evening, suggests that I'm less shy than I thought I was. Seriously, If I had a pound for every time I'd caught myself thinking "My fourrteen year old self would never have been brave enough to do this", I'd be a lot better off. However, I approached in order to needlessly apologise for a minor mistake, which is something I'm trying to do less. Step forward or step back? You decide.)<br />
<br />
Anyway...<br />
<br />
The atmosphere was very friendly, very lively, generally wonderful, people were striking up conversations with strangers, and it seemed as though everyone there was having a great time. The crowd was quite small, but in a way that was a positive rather than a negative- it meant more space for everyone, and more audience interaction between the bands and the fans. I have decided that a Cruxshadows concert is where I want to take anyone who believes that Goth is miserable and devoid of fun, because the entire show was anything but.<br />
<br />
Until the next time... and my already long-overdue post about World Pride shenanigans. Deadlines? What're they?<br />
<br />
Also, squeee! *.*<br />
<br />Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-52659171289755603552012-06-03T01:03:00.000+01:002012-06-03T01:08:56.116+01:00Auschwitz 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
It was a 24 hour day. I was up at one in the morning, and out of the house by half three, wearing about three layers because we'd been warned countless times that Poland is cold, my remembrance poppy, and my old school boots because New Rocks and customs can equal inconvenience. By six AM I'd arrived at Gatwick airport, met up with Chris, the other Itchener, battled through security and was sat around reading the welcome pack for forty-five minutes or so because really, what else could you do?<br />
<br />
The plane left at seven. We were given breakfast, which I didn't find that bad and then wondered what the hell was wrong with me, this was <em>plane</em> food. At one point, our entire row was asleep, which was just as well really. We'd have been dead by the end of the day otherwise. <br />
<br />
Touchdown at 10:00 local time. <br />
<br />
On the coach to Oswiecim, the Polish town that was renamed Auschwitz during the war, we were advised to try and get some sleep, but being the geography geek that I am, I put my glasses on and tried to just sort of... take in Poland. The area we were in was a bit run down, full of shabby buildings, some with cracked walls and broken roofs, and most of the countryside looked quite desolate, but it was quite a nice place nonetheless and I barely took my eyes off the scenery for the hour we were on the road. <br />
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Eventually the buildings became more numerous and began to look larger and neater. In a bay in a narrow street, the coach finally stopped, and we filed off into the centre of Oswiecim, which was a very calm, well-kept place. We followed the road upwards and stood at the top of a bank overlooking the river Sola. We were informed that this had once been the site of the town's largest Synagogue, which had been destroyed totally by the Nazis shortly after the outbreak of the war. In later years, numerous artifacts from the Synagogue were discovered buried underneath the site, having been rescued by local Jews as Nazi anti-Semitism closed in around them. From there, we went on to the surviving Synagogue, which weathered the war due to being converted into a storage area for the invading forces, and is now being used as a museum documenting the plight of the Oswiecim Jews, of which there are none left. Here, Rabbi Barry Marcus, who had organised the trip and was a <i>very </i>dynamic speaker, gave us a bit of background, describing what happened in the town, and telling the story of the last Jew to live in Oswiecim, who had returned from captivity to find himself alone. Every day up until his death ten years ago, Shimshon Klueger opened the Synagogue door every morning and shut it every night, just as if it was still in use. He lived behind the building in very poor housing, and spoke to no-one.<br />
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By the time we got back on the coach, the atmosphere already felt different.<br />
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The plan for the rest of the day was thus: We would travel across to Auschwitz one, the first part of the camp to exist (and the camp to bear the infamous Arbeit Macht Frei sign), and then to Auschwitz-Birkenau, the second and largest part of the camp, and the part used primarily for mass slaughter. There is a third camp, slightly away from the other two and used mainly for labour, and several other mini-camps, where inmates had been shipped off to work in specific areas, but time was very much of the essence, so we wouldn't be visiting any of those.The first thing that struck me was just how close to civilisation Auschwitz one was. We were all expecting the coach to turn off down an isolated road, trundle off into the wilderness for half an hour and eventually arrive at the camp in the middle of nowhere, but it wasn't like that at all. We were driving along, past houses and shops and garages... and suddenly there it was on the right. A bored looking woman with a high-visibility jacket directed us into the coach section as we went to park. <br />
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Actually getting into the place took a bit of time. As there are usually multiple tour groups about, tour guides have to speak to their groups through miniature radio headsets in order to prevent them from needing to shout over each other, so we all had to be fitted with one of those. It was, as you'd expect, a solemn atmosphere right from the start. From the moment we stepped through the doors, nobody really spoke. We loitered around in the entrance for a while, adjusting our headsets, before being ushered off down the path, under Arbeit Macht Frei (a replica, we were told- the original had been stolen), and into the camp itself.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXAbrpGTvjj9P-DcfZ8tIC1OqNk8DpAjMY78eNIsaokUyYFhBI8h3qUk2AYqw7N5nY0-qtje2ORsdoaui6_zFGqcZexCN160Tt4C3gOyIBtZ3w8UNj-MBUj_HsWa_Cofm_TvOzeqVBEZk/s1600/Auschwitz1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXAbrpGTvjj9P-DcfZ8tIC1OqNk8DpAjMY78eNIsaokUyYFhBI8h3qUk2AYqw7N5nY0-qtje2ORsdoaui6_zFGqcZexCN160Tt4C3gOyIBtZ3w8UNj-MBUj_HsWa_Cofm_TvOzeqVBEZk/s200/Auschwitz1.jpg" width="150" /></a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7AhoheSoBKnIUfXlZbVzwWMe9-NGhyphenhyphenQEePhAQNjO_GnNlcB-BQga7xLIfKWGrl5L0noOvCmw1oR9WuX350NzWIQZh5sRGduZd_C-6lk9puw62HwzPH0mCaadOLtsoAW9NcfDK5jWYaic/s1600/Auschwitz2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7AhoheSoBKnIUfXlZbVzwWMe9-NGhyphenhyphenQEePhAQNjO_GnNlcB-BQga7xLIfKWGrl5L0noOvCmw1oR9WuX350NzWIQZh5sRGduZd_C-6lk9puw62HwzPH0mCaadOLtsoAW9NcfDK5jWYaic/s200/Auschwitz2.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
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<i> Above: Walking through Auschwitz One.</i><br />
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The weirdest thing about walking around Auschwitz one was how, well, <em>nice</em> it looked. The buildings themselves were the incongruous but functional looking giant bricks I'd expected, but the camp in general had been prettied up. I have no idea when or why this happened- for all I know the camp always looked like this- but somewhere along the line somebody had decided that what a place of mass death really needed was gravel walkways, well-kept trees, and cute little pewter lanterns everywhere. It was half barracks, half Manor Gardens. The effect was really disconcerting. If I hadn't known where I was, I'd never have guessed. Inside the<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The name 'Klara Goldstein' is readable<br />on the foremost suitcase. </span></i></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Prayer shawls taken from<br />Jewish victims</span></i></td></tr>
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buildings, however, there was no getting away from it. The glass cases containing suitcases and prosthetic limbs, shoes and prayer shawls, made sure that everyone knew exactly what had happened where they were standing. Some of the exhibits were particularly striking: The room of hair, for example, houses the shaven hair of the prisoners. In a tank at one end, ponytails and plaits remain intact. One of the first rooms we went into contains canisters that once held the deadly gas used to kill the prisoners, and one of the last held clothes, shoes, and toys that had clearly belonged to children.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Children's belongings</span></i></td></tr>
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Due to time constraints, we were hurried through all this rather quickly, with the guide's voice piping constantly through the headsets. Despite this, we were able to take in everything. Before arriving in the camp, I hadn't really known how I'd react, whether I'd feel absolutely nothing or burst into tears after five minutes. What I got was neither of those things, but a feeling of unsettled detachment as I struggled to properly comprehend where I was and what had once happened right where I was standing. I walked around in a haze, and after we'd left the barracks and gone back outside, I found myself walking ahead of or separate from my group on multiple occasions.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Tribute Wall: In memory of <br />murdered prisoners of war.</span></i></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Looking over Auschwitz's last <br />standing gas chamber</span></i></td></tr>
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It was the outside that held some of the most poignant parts of the camp. A row of candles placed in front of a wall which had once been used for shooting prisoners against formed a memorial. Above it was a flag, blue and white striped to resemble the camp uniform, but also bearing the red triangle the Nazis used to signify Prisoners of War, which most of the camp inmates were. Back towards the gate, two sets of gallows could still be found; one of which had been used to hang Rudolf Hoess in 1947.<br />
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The most unsettling part of Auschwitz one was, of course, the gas chamber. Auschwitz One hadn't really been a death camp- that had been Auschwitz Birkenau, but all four gas chambers there had been demolished by the Nazis towards the end of the war, leaving the small chamber at One the only chamber still standing.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">These canisters contained the gas used to<br />kill thousands</span></i></td></tr>
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It was one of the strangest experiences of my life. You think you'll feel something, but it's almost impossible to get your head around the fact that seventy years ago, right where you're standing, thousands of people were being systematically murdered. As I looked up at the hole in the roof where the gas had been poured in, I became more detached, except now the detachment was accompanied by a kind of dry horror. It's difficult to explain in hindsight. I think it's one of those things you simply have to do to understand.<br />
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One of the oddest things about the trip in general was that all this was being accompanied by a very businesslike atmosphere. We walked out of the gas chambers, handed in our headsets, and scrambled back onto the coach, where our team leaders gave us a jovial briefing and a weather forecast (cold). We'd gone from death camp to basic, day to day organisation within just a few minutes. As we drove onwards past the shops, garages and houses of Oswiecim, there seemed to be a clash of worlds, and this made the whole experience feel even more surreal.<br />
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It didn't last long, however. Five minutes after getting on the coach, we were getting off again, at Birkenau. This time, there was no denying where we were.<br />
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Unlike Auschwitz One, Auschwitz-Birkenau had been built for purpose. It didn't have the deceptively innocent look of the first camp. Here, there were just wooden blocks, guard towers, and chain fences, as far as the eye could see, in every direction. It was one of the bleakest places I'd ever seen. Hardly surprising, really, as this was the largest purpose-built death camp run by the Nazis during World War Two. Four gas chambers operated here, burning up to . As the Red Army advanced into Poland towards the end of the war, all four were destroyed.<br />
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After disembarking, a local journalist who'd tagged along took Chris and I off for an awkward photo in front of the fence with two students from another nearby college and MP John Denham (who'd also tagged along). We were then shepherded to the watchtower and given a small Jewish candle each, with the instruction to stash them away somewhere as we wouldn't be needing them for another four hours. This wasn't a pleasant prospect- the temperature was dropping rapidly and staying outside for four hours was probably not going to be fun. <br />
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Nonetheless, we hooked up headsets once again and made our way into the camps. There were no decorative plants here- unlike Auschwitz One, Birkenau had been left exactly as it was. We often found ourselves jumping muddy ditches because nobody had bridged them, and while there were paths, the quality of them varied rather. Even the buildings themselves hadn't been adapted. There were no exhibits in here- they contained the skeletons of what had been bunks, and holes which had once been used as toilets. They were dirty, rusting and not a great deal warmer than outside. It was close to a time capsule, and here, you got a fragment of understanding as to what living in the camp may have been like. You looked at the bunks and pictured people sleeping in them.<br />
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Other parts of the camp had been left intact too. The railway was still there, and one of the cattle carriages used to bring in prisoners from all over Europe had been placed beside the platform. Again, it was all to easy to see what had happened exactly where we were standing: Jews, Gypsies, Prisoners of war, disembarking, and then being roughly divided up. Many adults and almost all children would be sent to one area and then taken straight to the gas chambers: Those who looked strong enough to work would be sent to another area, where they would live a while longer providing slave labour for the Nazis. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Birkenau as seen from the top of <br />the Watchtower: This was the best I<br />could do, I'm afraid.</span></i></td></tr>
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Then, to let it really sink in, we were taken back towards the entrance and told to form a queue. It took me a while to work out what was happening, but eventually I realised we were being sent up to the top of the watchtower, in small groups due to the ever weakening foundations. As I reached the turnstile at the foot of the steps that counted people in, and got waved through by Rabbi Marcus, I wondered how exactly the camp would look from the top. Would it be bigger than I'd realised? Smaller? Would I be able to see over the trees at the far end? As it turned out, there were no real surprises, but the view was haunting nonetheless. I'd expected to see barracks stretching almost to the horizon in every direction, but actually looking at the bare landscape, peppered only by imposing guard towers and wire fencing, really brought home exactly what the camp had been used for. It was really strange when you looked further into the distance and saw a few modern houses, sitting just outside the camp boundaries. How the local population felt about living so close to places like these had been a subject of much discussion throughout the day. I wondered how long it took them to get used to it.<br />
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Back outside, we regrouped and headed into the camp once more. Sunset was beginning, and the sun was a weirdly symbolic blood red. The temperature was dropping fast and nobody really wanted to be outside anymore. The cold was overpowering to the point where we were all losing concentration on the history and the only thing on our minds was getting indoors. This was us wearing several layers of winter clothing. The prisoners would have only had their camp uniform, plus they'd have been much physically weaker than us to begin with if they'd already been in the camp for a while. In between wondering how much longer we'd have to be outdoors, I found myself questioning as to how anybody at all had survived the conditions here.<br />
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As night finally fell, things got creepy.<br />
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By this stage, we'd moved towards the far end of the camp, and stumbled across an area which was full of remembrance shrines. Candles of every colour stood out against the pitch black sky, and illuminated the flowers, letters, and carved stone slabs that lay beneath them. It was... pretty. And about as devoid of threat as anything can be. I was standing in Auschwitz-Birkenau, and yet somehow the atmosphere felt peaceful and respectful. I fought hard to make sense of this. Birkenau was a death camp. Candles or no candles, it wasn't supposed to feel peaceful. I concluded that I was clearly just a bit screwed up, and decided not to tell anybody else present, lest they mark me down as a semi-sociopath or something. <br />
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We weaved around this end of the camp, passing the ruins of the four gas chambers (although some of the steps up the entrances were still distinguishable), hearing a story about a rebellion attempt and how it was quashed when the Nazis told all the prisoners present, whether they were guilty or not, lie down, and then shot every third person. We walked through the woods. I thought these were pretty too, in the dark. I worried for my brain. <br />
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My memory of this part of the day is a bit hazy, because all anybody was really focusing on was getting indoors. Eventually, we got our wish. A large building, I'm guessing an information/conservation centre, stood about as far from the gates as it was possible to go. It had previously been the place where new prisoners who'd been selected for labour rather than death had been brought to be processed. They'd been stripped and showered in one room, then their heads had been shaved in another, then they'd been given the camp uniform to put on and sent out to the barracks. As we slowly followed in their footsteps, the guides made a point of emphasising that thousands of people underwent this process every day when the camp was at its peak. <br />
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A large part of the project was making the Holocaust human. Although facts and figures were mentioned a lot, putting names and faces to victims and perpetrators alike was a large part of what they did. This was why, when we went into the last room, we were given plenty of time to look around what it contained.<br />
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Several large boards, each covered in photographs. Family albums, mostly, from before the war began. Set of pictures of a person, whose name and description was given in the middle of the images, having fun with friends and family, holding their children, going to work, totally unaware of where they'd end up. You always know that the Holocaust ripped families apart, but now we could <em>see</em>. We'd look at the photos, read the names of the people they contained, and then read about how two of them had died and the others took forever to find each other after the war was over. It's the kind of thing I think there should be more of- it's so easy for atrocities on this scale to end up as numbers in a textbook, but everyone involved was a person, and the more we remember that, the harder it is to allow the Holocaust to become an irrelevant abstract. This point was drilled home yet again by Rabbi Marcus, who herded us all back together for some readings given by a few volunteers, and then a sermon. He talked at length about the importance of not forgetting, then asked us to join him in prayer. The prayer was, of course, Jewish (and in Yiddish), but he made it clear at the start that we could adapt to our own beliefs where necessary. I'm an atheist with no God to worship, so I chose to treat it like a two minute silence and just listened and remembered.<br />
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On the now intensely cold walk back towards the watchtower, I fell into step with Chris, and, he too admitted to finding Birkenau weirdly peaceful. I was relieved it wasn't just me, but not especially surprised, as by this point, it had started making sense. These days, people come to Birkenau for education and remembrance. Despite it's past, it is now a place of respect, and feels less dangerous than pretty much anywhere else I've ever been. It's a very strange contrast, and one I still have trouble fully getting my head around- but there it is.<br />
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By the time we left, there were over 100 more pinpoints of light standing out against the night sky. Battling against the wind, a few matches were passed and we finally lit our Jewish candles. It took most of us two or three goes, and trying to manoeuvre our candles together in a way that would allow the flame to travel across the wicks was incredibly tricky, but eventually, we managed it. We set them down in a sheltered spot right outside the watchtower, which felt incredibly symbolic, but it's only as I've been writing this that I've fully realised why. The fact that a place of genocide is now full of endless memorial plaques, stones, and candles... the fact that remembrance services are now held in the room where prisoners were once processed... the fact that the watchtower once used to aid mass murder now shelters tributes to the victims from the wind. It all adds up to one huge statement: The power Birkenau was given by the Nazis has been taken away.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSGrfXZSHj4RhVMWHhtr67W6dZcH09bx6Z6T0sXKBLbUyCrE1XqDQHGKw0r4NBRUedlAgtb1rhTUxdbXjjUTj29LPTyQS3wX1sde6F_zn-vxyPFABFB7F_cR_U8FBt7qrmow_vsC4PoT4/s1600/RedSun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSGrfXZSHj4RhVMWHhtr67W6dZcH09bx6Z6T0sXKBLbUyCrE1XqDQHGKw0r4NBRUedlAgtb1rhTUxdbXjjUTj29LPTyQS3wX1sde6F_zn-vxyPFABFB7F_cR_U8FBt7qrmow_vsC4PoT4/s320/RedSun.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The sun sets on Birkenau</span></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
A week after the visit, I attended a second, follow up, conference in London, and was assigned for created a presentation for Holocaust Memorial Day in February. The one thing that had irked me about the project was the way it seemed to focus exclusively on Jewish victims, to the point where it was difficult to remember that other groups had been involved at all. To me, it felt as though the Roma, Disabled, Gay, POW, Polish and 'Undesirable' victims were being forgotten completely. Therefore, I made sure I included as many groups as possible in my presentation. I also included lots of personal stories, from all kinds of victims, because if there's one thing this experience has taught me, it's the importance of remembering that the Holocaust was made up of individuals.<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-59182143295561923132012-05-18T10:19:00.003+01:002012-05-18T10:19:48.527+01:00JittersI have far, far too many things to worry about. <br />
<br />
<b>A2 Exams: </b><br />
Pretty self explanatory, really. Made worse by my total and persistant ineptitude with 'Exam Technique'. For two of the subjects I'm taking, passing the exam is very dependant on writing in the way the exam board want, and I've never really managed to work out how to do that. In class practices, I'm the person who explains instead of contrasts and loses tons of marks as a result, and every year worry I won't be able to remedy that for the exams.<br />
<b><br /></b><br />
<b>Financing College next year: </b><br />
I won't be getting EMA next year, and it's only just dawning on me how hard it's going to be to afford food and transport if I can't get a job by Autumn. My family's financial situation isn't brilliant as it is, especially now with my brother starting a vocational college course that needs tons of special equipment, and I hate the idea of making it worse. For the record, this won't spell disaster- worst case scenario is that I have to bring all food from home and only use the college bus (even if that means waiting around at college all afternoon), but it's a situation I'd like to avoid.<br />
<br />
<b>Getting a job: </b><br />
Recently I've realised that I've been putting jobseeking off due to anxiety surrounding employment. Why am I anxious? I have no clue, but needless to say, I need to learn not to be pretty quickly, especially as I've been feeling lately that my family's finacial worries are something I really ought to be helping with. <b><br /></b><br />
<b>Sorting University:</b><br />
From July onwards, I'm going to have to start trying to make friends with the dreaded UCAS. UCAS likes making people jump through hoops. Also, heavy student loans: I need one, but I really, really don't want one. <b><br /></b><br />
<b>World Pride:</b><br />
Although I've been planning on marching with AVEN since last year, I'm still very nervous at the prospect of going. Why? I'm not sure- the more I think about it the less there is to be worried about. I know my way around the underground, I have the money, and everything else can be sorted easily enough. Nonetheless, I often feel as though I'm only definitely going to this because I know I'll regret it for all eternity if I don't.<br />
<b><br /></b><br />
<b>Explaining above to parents: </b><br />
I've been to London alone before, but knowing my parents, that won't stop the almost inevitable "That's not safe" argument. I'm also semi-expecting a "What on Earth do you want to go to that for" argument, a "What about future employers?" argument, and/or a "Those things are bloody stupid" argument, possibly even a "Will you just drop this silly 'asexual' business?" argument. worst thing about this is that I'm not sure I could answer back to a few of these- particularly 'why do you want to go'. Right now, my choices are either be honest and argue, lie, or try to sneak out of the house at 6 AM on the seventh and not tell anyone where I am until I'm on the train. None of these are especially appealing. <br />
<b><br /></b><br />
<b>Cruxshadows Gig:</b><br />
A lot of people complain about not knowing any local goths. For me, the problem is slightly worse. I <i>do </i>know a couple of local goths, but I don't feel especially comfortable around them. Now, there's every chance this has more to do with me than it does with them- I do have trouble trusting people and I'm quite prone to seeing animosity where there isn't any- but the prospect of walking into a room convinced that the only people who recognise me look down on me isn't a very welcoming one, especially when one of those people seems to be pretty well established. Like AVEN, my decision to go to CXS at the Talking Heads was based on knowing I'd regret it if I didn't: Right now, I'm struggling to drum up enthusiasm. <br />
<b><br /></b><br />
<b>* * * * </b><b>* * * * </b><b>* * * * </b><b>* * * * </b><b>* * * * </b><b>* * * * </b><b>* * * * </b><b>* * * *</b><b> </b><b> </b><br />
<b><br /></b><br />
<b>Day 25: Did you ever consider leaving the subculture?:</b><br />
<b><br /></b><br />
I've often wondered whether calling myself 'Goth' was a good idea or not. Truth be told, I only really use it as shorthand. I fit the definition well enough to consider myself Goth, and being able to answer "Are you Goth" with "yes" is far more convenient than the "Well, kind of, I mean, I take influence from Goth, but I don't really class myself as anything" ramble I used to have to go off on. Yes, sometimes I worry that I don't really fit, but the way I see, it's a word that defines me only loosely, not a doctrine I have to stick to. For now, I'm happy using it.Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-44398308517207364542012-04-15T00:14:00.001+01:002012-04-15T00:14:59.829+01:00I remember reading an article by Charlie Brooker in which he said that, while some days writing is easy and the words just naturally flow forth, other days you have to fish every word, letter by letter, out of a giant tub of glue.<br />
<br />
He also said that the best thing for transforming the tub of glue into a magic pez dispenser is a deadline. It's remarkable what you can come up with when you're racing the clock.<br />
<br />
He was right on both counts. **nodnod**<br />
<br />
I spent much of today hanging around a mini anime-convention in the Marlands shopping centre- and by 'mini', I mean a cosplay contest accompanied by a food-and-merchandise stall. It was kind of awkward, as my friend and I were two of very few who were neither in costume nor accompanying someone who was. Everyone else appeared to be seasoned convention goers, too, whereas as this was the closest either of us had come. Nonetheless, it was quite good fun, my Kuroshitsuji obsessed friend got a picture of a pretty good Grell cosplayer, and I now have 100% more addictive Japanese sweets than I did this morning. Think it's gone to my head a bit, actually- I spent half the bus ride home thinking about how I'd go about cosplaying as Delirium should the chance ever come up (Grubby old Jacket, multiple hair extensions, and a lot of fishnet).<br />
<br />
Speaking of DC Vertigo creations, I now have the first editions of Y the Last Man (which I've wanted to read for ages) and Fables (which I haven't known about that long, but it looks like a promising series). Not sure when I'll get round to reading them, though- my queue of books is a mile long.<br />
<br />
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * <br />
<br />
<b>Day 24: Name the best websites for Goths: </b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
Gothic Charm School would be the obvious one, but it's obvious for a reason. Most people have Stephen Fry down as the number one candidate for Benevolent Dictator, but I personally put Jillian Venters ahead of him.<br />
<br />
The other one that's obvious- to my mind, at least- is <a href="http://ultimategothguide.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">Stripy Tights and Dark Delights</a> (formally the Ultimate Goth Guide). Massive variety of articles on everything from in-scene politics to the best way to apply makeup. Check it out, if you haven't already. :)Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-458158877730983372012-04-09T00:04:00.004+01:002012-04-14T22:47:23.901+01:00The people I come up against whilst trying to be productive.<b>Inner Drill Sergeant: </b>Grow up you worm! Get your lazy arse onto word and give me 1000 characters! NOW!<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Critic: </b>(whispering) I'd stay on the internet if I was you... you know you'll only screw the essay up big time.<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Nanny: </b>Aww, those weren't very nice things to say to yourself! You're clearly not very happy... maybe looking at nice things on the internet would be best right now.<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Total Bum: </b>I'll work in a minute... just let me finish reading this... ooh, I wonder where that link goes...<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Political Crusader: </b>Well, I was about to come off the internet, but then I found somebody being wrong. I am now positively entrenched in anger, and I feel that writing the offending person a billion page essay explaining why they're wrong is the only sensible course of action. Grrr.<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Suave Bellend:</b> It's alright Louise, you've still got plenty of time to do that essay, why not stay online for a bit, Hmm? Come on, you know you want to...<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Jukebox: </b>**begins singing the chorus of a Godawful song I haven't heard for years, over and over and over again**<br />
<br />
<b>Inner 'Maladaptive' Daydreaming: </b>Hi Louise, it's only me... look, I know this is a bad time, but I got triggered unexpectedly by the word 'the', so I'm afraid it's no productivity for you for a least half an hour! Heeere we gooo.... la la la SHINY! :D<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Neurotic: </b>But but but Personal Problems! We can't do any work until we've worked them all out!<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Idiot: </b>I've got writers' block. Looks like you can't do that essay today. Sor-ee. :(<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Toddler: </b>**after writing one word** This is boring, I wanna do something else. **starts to kick the metaphorical seat in front**<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Philosopher: </b>Louise, your thinking is unfairly constricted by the techniques required in this essay. Therefore, I vote you don't do it for a while. You have far better uses of your time. Checking every blog you follow several times, for instance.<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Alice: </b>Oh, this factual essay is so dreary... I would much rather read this book, all about a strange land quite unlike this miserable place.<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Perfectionist: </b>No, don't phrase it that way, it sounds too informal! <i>And</i> that's the third time you've used 'the fact that' in three paragraphs. Not sure that that's proper usage of a semi colon, either. No, you don't need to delete that far! Come on, it's only grammar, what's the matter with you? Oh, and by the way, you aren't comparing thoroughly enough... ugh, I give up.<br />
<br />
<b>Inner Koala: </b>Too... sleepy... can't... concentrate... zzzz<br />
<br />
And all through it, the one sensible part of my brain, which probably has the patience of a saint by now, is like "Now, please, this essay really is quite important". Sometimes it wins. Usually though, it gives up, and no work gets done until Inner Clockwatcher springs up shouting "Louise, you have ten minutes to write this essay! Hurry up now, or else you'll be doomed!"<br />
<br />
And then I write.<br />
<br />
Yeah... I'll have this under control one day, I swear. :3<br />
<br />
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * <br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><b>Day 23: Your favourite artist of photographer?:</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><b><br />
</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">Well, I don't really take note of photographers, so I can't answer that one. Anne Stokes and Kirsi Salonen come to mind if I have to name favourite artists, although they aren't the only two whose paintings send me star-eyed. I'm a sucker for fantasy art in general. :3</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
</span>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-55233022875979801362012-04-08T23:16:00.002+01:002012-04-09T00:01:04.782+01:00Oh Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now...I'm getting tired of the atmosphere of misery surrounding disability. The way every neurodivergence is automatically labelled an 'illness' or 'disorder', even when its effects are, in and of themselves, neutral. The cold, clinical formality and scary statistics that dominate discussion about disability whilst erasing the lives of disabled people. The general lack of optimism, humour and positivity that permeates most websites, articles, television programmes, and organisations.<br />
<br />
Unlike most other minority groups, disabled, mentally ill, or neuro-atypical teens aren't routinely told that things will get better, or that their lives and concerns are valid, or that it's OK to accept themselves as they are. When you read about disability, the dominant tone is all too often one of pessimism and shame.<br />
<br />
So, let's get a couple of things straight: Difference isn't bad. Impairment doesn't have to be the end of the world. Mental Illness is often a perfectly natural response to trauma. Addressing problems is vital, but letting them take over helps nobody.<br />
<br />
Oh, and here's a link to the <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/ouch/archive.shtml" target="_blank">BBC Ouch</a> archives, because a post like this really needs an example of disability discourse done right.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><b>Day 22: If you could attend any Goth Event, what would it be?:</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><b><br />
</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;">While saying 'Whitby' and 'Treffen' is about as unoriginal as it's possible to be... Whitby and Treffen. XD</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><br />
</span></span>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-5871488460440833892012-02-13T00:22:00.000+00:002012-02-13T00:22:03.389+00:00Not quite an explanationYet again, my self-set Auschwitz post deadline has been missed, and none of the three or four posts I've started to write in the past couple of months have been completed.<br />
<br />
Yeah.<br />
<br />
Um...<br />
<br />
I won't bore anybody with the details. Just suffice to say that everything's gone a bit bonkers recently, and while it's nothing I can't deal with, it has been putting the brakes on productivity.<br />
<br />
I'll be back as soon as I can, which might be tomorrow, might be several months, hopefully with this post which WILL get finished sooner or later, even if it takes me most of the next decade.<br />
<br />
In the meantime... have a baby bat :D<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.goldcoast.com.au/images/uploadedfiles/editorial/pictures/2011/01/10/WEATHER-SENDS-US-BATTY.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.goldcoast.com.au/images/uploadedfiles/editorial/pictures/2011/01/10/WEATHER-SENDS-US-BATTY.jpg" /></a></div>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-75337884226336624392011-12-31T21:44:00.000+00:002011-12-31T21:44:58.773+00:00Bad BloggerSeeing as getting the Auschwitz posts written and out on time has turned out to be a total pain in the arse, I've decided to post them together on Auschwitz Memorial Day instead. There are no excuses, I'm sorry, feel free to pelt me with rotten lettuce. <div><br />
</div><div>So... things that have happened... well, I've had a poem published, which is nice; and I have an interview with the Samaritans on the 10th of January (although I have been warned that they often prefer volunteers to be 30+, so... we'll see). Also, according to three-year-old-cousin logic, I'm a digger. Thanks, Bradley. XD</div><div><br />
</div><div>Then there was 5:30ish today, when I came out as Ace to my Mum. I didn't plan to, but while the conversation was on a certain subject she asked me if I was a lesbian (which I'm not), and I just sort of... told her. I think everything's OK, though, which is good. She gave me the old "It might just be a phase", and made a semi-jokey comment about Grandchildren, but it could have been far worse. </div><div><br />
</div><div>Well, that's pretty much everything. Have a happy New Year :)</div><div><br />
</div><div>* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </div><div><br />
</div><div><b>Day 21: What body mod do you have or have you considered?:</b></div><div><b><br />
</b></div><div>I have five piercings at the moment two in each ear and one nose. I did get a labret done when I was sixteen, but found it immensely irritating and took the bloody thing out after less than a day, which probably says a lot about me and my patience, sad to say. I've since concluded that I don't want any bits of metal in my mouth again, although a vertical labret isn't completely out of the question. The only other piercings I've considered are nape of the neck (although I'd imagine caring for that would be very difficult, especially seeing as I have long hair), and top of the ear (but I've decided to stick to wearing ear cuffs for the time being, which I personally think are nicer).</div><div><br />
</div><div>Tattoos wise... the only one I'm pretty sure I want is... well, the idea I have in my head is of a partial tattoo sleeve, ending a fair distance from my wrist so it can be covered if necessary, made up of little shooting stars in green, blue, purple and grey. I have briefly considered a few others, mainly fandom tattoos or ideological symbols, but right now I have no real plans to go ahead with any of them. </div>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-88323870008161360552011-11-26T16:05:00.000+00:002011-11-26T16:05:38.249+00:00Asexuality and enthusiastic consentI have started my Auschwitz two blog, so it's coming, I'm just taking some time out to briefly get on my soapbox about somthing that really, really annoys me.<br />
<br />
<br />
The current definition of 'enthusiastic consent' (That when it comes to sex, yes should mean "YES!" as opposed to "not no") does indeed exclude asexual people, but so many people are fighting that from the wrong angle. The point you <i>should</i> be making is "Hey! There's more then one reason why someone might really, truly want to have sex! For instance, they may not be particularly into sex, but they really want to make their partner's day! Or maybe they don't like sex much, but genuinely want it because they really want a baby!"<br />
<br />
That is, "Hey! There's more then one reason why someone might really, truly, honestly, genuinely want to have sex!"<br />
<br />
Not "Hey! Sometimes people <i>have</i> to have sex they don't want, because otherwise their partner will leave them!"<br />
<br />
That is just screwed up, and shouldn't be defended. If someone is having sex they don't want because they love their partner sooo much and don't want to lose him/her; or because they're in a relationship and sex is what adults <i>do </i>in relationships, so they'd better toughen up and get on with it... it's <i>wrong. </i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
It's understandable and human, sure, but it's also <i>wrong. </i><br />
<br />
Nobody should feel pressured into having sex they don't want. That applies to asexual people too. Nobody in the world has an orientation that makes it OK to tell hem that they <i>really should </i>consider having sex <i>sometimes </i>if they want a relationship.<br />
<br />
I have seen threads on AVEN containing tactics designed to make sex bearable for aces who find it disgusting, painful, embarassing, or otherwise difficult. This is <i>not, </i>repeat <i>not, </i>OK.<br />
<br />
I'm ace, and I agree with enthusiastic consent. It may need it's boundaries shifting slightly, but fundamentally it's a very good- no, very <i>necessary</i> idea, and one that I will defend.<br />
<br />
As an important sideline... there is a difference between an asexual person who doesn't mind sex having it from time to time to please their partner; and a sex-aversive asexual person having sex they hate in order to placate their partner. One of these is perfectly OK. One of these is not. And it's time people realised that.<br />
<br />
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<br />
Eurgh... it feels a bit weird doing one of these after that rant, but here goes. XD<br />
<br />
<b>Day 20: If you could dye your hair any colour, what colour would it be?:</b><br />
<br />
<b></b>Right from when I was ten or so years old, I wanted completely blue hair. It never quite happened, but I'm fine with that.<br />
<br />
Well, OK, I would like to have hair that was 100% blue or green, but I've also long accepted that that isn't happening. I have too much hair, for one thing- it's incredibly thick, almost waist length, and I'm planning on growing it even longer. Blue and Green wash out quite quickly, and I'd never be able to afford the amount of hair dye needed to keep it all fully topped up. I'm also pretty wary of bleaching my entire head, for reasons that may be silly or may be sensible.<br />
<br />
So right now, I have the next best thing. Most of my hair is dyed black, apart from a couple of strips at the very front, which are bleached and usually dyed blue, green, or both. I'd quite like to make those strips a bit thicker, but then again, growing them out until they're the same length as the rest of my hair (they're currently shorter) would probably do the trick just as well.Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-65512104188687971062011-11-17T02:31:00.000+00:002011-11-17T02:31:16.930+00:00Mainstream NightclubThe Friday before last, I went to a mainstream nightclub.<br />
<br />
(Yeah, you can tell I've been meaning to blog about this for a while).<br />
<br />
It was called Reflex, it played a mix of popular music from the 80's and 90's (some of which I liked, most of which I did not), there were mirror balls everywhere and a poledancing pole stuck off to one side. I went in because the group I was with at the time did.<br />
<br />
At first I just felt awkward and self-conscious. It always is awkward, when you walk in somewhere and instantly feel out of place, especially if you're also slightly drunk and not feeling mentally at your best. I hung back, stayed glued firmly to the main body of the group, didn't go near the bar, and ducked away in a panic when the photographer turned up (which probably now means there's a photo containing six happy people and a mysterious disembodied leg just visible at the back). I did dance a bit, once or twice... when one of my friends grabbed my hands and started "doing the awkward shuffle", leaving me with no option.<br />
<br />
Then my head cleared a bit, and I started to acclimatise, and I realised I had a choice. Either I could hang around at the back all evening with a face like a wet Wednesday, or I could try to join in.<br />
<br />
Helped by the sudden appearance of a Dead or Alive song I actually quite like, I started dancing and jumping on my own. At first just to decent songs, then to all songs bar the worst. Random dance chains and spontaneous group hugs ensued. About two people kept going back to the bar for huge Jagermeisters with multiple straws, and everyone else rushed to use the extra straws to 'help' them finish their drink the very second they got back.<br />
<br />
Within an hour I'd been on the pole. When everyone else in your group has been badgered into having a go on the thing by the metalhead (who liked the music least but was more enthusiastic than everyone else put together), your inner four year old just takes over and all you can think is how you wanna turn too. I wasn't especially elegant- I tripped over my own feet at least once- but that didn't matter. It was <i>OK</i> to look silly.<br />
<br />
I had fun. I actually did. No, it wasn't my kind of place, but if you have to be somewhere that isn't 'you', being a good sport, sticking your tongue firmly in your cheek, and making the most of it is definitely the best thing you can do.<br />
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<br />
<b>Day 19: Share beauty advice and take a photo of your make up: </b><br />
<br />
<b></b>**Bursts out laughing at the idea of <i>me</i>, someone who relates all too well to Katharine Whitehorn's <i>Sluts I</i> article, giving people beauty advice**<br />
<br />
Anyway... to begin with, here's a photo of my eye makeup on the day I happened to remember that this question needed a photo. This was a college morning, I think I'd overslept slightly, and I didn't have time to do anything flashy, so it's pretty basic. And the lighting's not great, because I'm really no photographer. As for what I used... pencil eyeliner to do the basic outline around my eye, liquid eyeliner to draw the line, and plain 'glittery neutral' eyeshadow, which I applied to my eyelid then smudged around a bit.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYH_Vt7a5_d3f7yzoAsmpRigqS8T8S7sJxECOWsuhNu0GXqqSymCvTsbmiqlr1wrNKZqP2wyRMGAU9gGZ814P8uHqBPK13oO4q_emuxchD_1c9HGq5lDg4IF3r9BrrdENm0LTq4KuFO6Q/s1600/MyEye.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYH_Vt7a5_d3f7yzoAsmpRigqS8T8S7sJxECOWsuhNu0GXqqSymCvTsbmiqlr1wrNKZqP2wyRMGAU9gGZ814P8uHqBPK13oO4q_emuxchD_1c9HGq5lDg4IF3r9BrrdENm0LTq4KuFO6Q/s320/MyEye.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
So... beauty advice. I don't have much of it. I'm the sort of person who goes to sleep in their fiundation on a regular basis because I'm too tired to take it off. When it comes to makeup my general tactics are "play around with it a bit until you find something that looks decent". Nonethless, I'll try.<br />
<br />
First, I'll buck the trend slightly, and say that it doesn't matter if your makeup isn't perfect. Obviously it's good to get it perfectly symmetrical and non-smudged, but it's really not the end of the world if it's not. Also, if you make a mistake whilst applying eyeliner, or find that you just can't get that bit <i>right...</i> improvise. Incorporate the mistake in, or change the design on the problem eye and be asymmetrical for the day.<br />
<br />
If you like an eyeliner design... feel free to use it, even if it's cliched. I personally find tear dribbles absolutely awful and have no idea why anyone would want to look like they've been crying, but at the same time, I understand that that's just my opinion. If you like tear dribbles, feel free to draw them on, and then tell me to go and do something unpleasant involving a porcupine. I'm not much better, anyway, with the cheesy little curliques I occasionally doodle around my eyes.<br />
<br />
Umm...<br />
<br />
Ah, yes. This is probably a bit Captain Obvious, but if your hair dye is prone to bleeding, washing your hair gently, and in cold water rather than hot, will reduce the problem a lot. Oh, and bleach is good for removing hair dye stains from the bathroom door/tiles/sink/floor/wall.<br />
<br />
... and, yeah. That's pretty much all I have.Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-39835576686083606872011-11-16T00:22:00.000+00:002011-11-16T00:22:35.135+00:00Confessions of a ProcrastinatorGood news: I'm alive!<br />
<br />
Bad news: Auschwitz 2- the monolith was meant to be up two days ago, and I have a half finished light hearted post that should have been up by the start of last week.<br />
<br />
So, why aren't they?<br />
<br />
Because I'm up to my eyeballs in Extended Project.<br />
<br />
No, seriously. This is the 5000 word essay we were, in theory, supposed to start in January. For a multitude of reasons, some within my control, some not, I didn't start until the end of July.<br />
<br />
I <i>meant</i> to use the Summer holidays to catch up with everyone else.<br />
<br />
I didn't.<br />
<br />
There are many things I can blame for this. Some of them are quite depressing, so for the sakes of this post I'll point the finger at Thatguywiththeglasses.com and leave it there.<br />
<br />
Now there's a fortnight to go before the final deadline and I've only written about 1000 words of my first draft. I should be nearly done by now, but I've got a way to go, and I'm starting to realise the next two weeks might consist of me working like a machine (possibly a slightly faulty one that gets stuck and crashes from time to time, mind you) for a few hours every day after college.<br />
<br />
So, blogging is well and truly on the back burner for a bit, which is a bit of a bugger as I was planning to up my post count this month. I do have a day off on Thursday, though, so provided I decide to stay at home (well, my Dad's, which is where I am this week), I might be able to get my delayed posts up then, although one of them may as well be ancient history by that time. XD<br />
<br />
No question today either. I would if the next one was a few-sentences thing, but it requires a photo and I'll need a few paragraphs to get across what I want to say, so... yeah. Not now.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I'll be back... when I'm back, I suppose, which will hopefully be really soon. In the meantime, I'll let the spiders squat here for a while; they can put back all the nice cobwebs I so cruelly brushed away back in August.Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-59688096928591116922011-11-07T16:25:00.000+00:002011-11-07T16:25:32.844+00:00Auschwitz: Part 1As in, part 1 of the three <em>other</em> posts I can't attach a question to.<br />
<br />
The Learning From Auschwitz project is an annual event made up of four parts: A pre-seminar in London, a one-day visit to Auschwitz-Birkenau, a follow up seminar, and a project. Generally only two people per college get the chance to go, and after putting my name down, initially on a whim, I somehow found myself one of them.<br />
<br />
I wasn't sure how to feel when I was told I was going. The two attendees are chosen by lottery, and I hadn't really expected my name to get pulled out.You can't really be excited because of what it is, and worrying about the practicalities, such as the 7AM flight to Poland on the 10th of November, and the fact that I'd need to travel to London twice, feels kind of... trivialising. When it's a place like Auschwitz, navigating the Underground and filling out paperwork seems a bit beside the point. I could say I was expecting it to be interesting, but that sounds <em>limp</em> somehow. I'm going to a place of mass-murder. How can I possibly describe that in a way that does the victims justice? <br />
<br />
It'll be an Experience. That's all I can say at the moment.<br />
<br />
Anyway, the first part, the pre-Seminar was last Wednesday. The Venue was about a five minute walk from Farringdon Station. It was buried into the side of an overpass, and would have been difficult to spot were it not for the stained glass windows. There were more people there than I'd expected- around 200. An entire planeful, more or less. Naturally, we got seated right at the back of the room, and as a result the first speaker, a man called Alex, was reduced to just a head bobbing about in front of the top half of a projection screen. His main job seemed to be to take us through proceedings, introducing everyone else and giving instructions. To start with he just gave us some background, telling us a bit about Auschwitz and what we'd be hearing about it over the course of the afternoon. <br />
<br />
Then he handed over to a survivor. This was the second time in my life I've heard a Holocaust survivor speak, and the first one always sticks firmly in my mind. It had been in year 10, and our entire year group had been gathered in the hall to hear this man talk about his experiences as a young boy. Throughout the entire thing, everyone was silent. Silent, that is, not quiet. I don't mean quiet. I mean the kind of absolute silence that just never <em>happens </em>in schools. With us, there would always been someone talking, or moving, but not then. There was just... no noise, no teacher got up on an errand, no student lapsed in concentration even for a moment. Just... nothing, for over an hour. It was amazing. <br />
<br />
This time round was similar, of course, but it didn't seem so out of the ordinary. The structure was different too. The first speaker, Joseph, had been linear, and talked about his experiencess in depth before asking for questions briefly at the end. This second one, Bob, told us in brief what had happened to him in the Jewish Ghettos and the two different camps he'd been held captive in, and then, after a brief break in which I made a dash for the liquid caffiene jug because I'd barely slept, spent far longer answering questions. <br />
<br />
How this worked was one of the volunteers, Anna, wandered around, going over to anyone with their hand up and handing them the mic. Having come up with absolutely nothing to ask during the break, I suddenly got hit with inspiration and asked whether or not his experiences had had any lasting effect. Fortunately, he insisted they did not. <br />
<br />
One of the things the LFA Project aims to do is to rehumanise the Holocaust. To remind the world that everyone involved, both victims and perpetrators, were people. They had names, they had lives prior to the war and many went back to those lives after it. We were shown photos of Holocaust victims before they became victims. A little boy on his first day at school. Two women on holiday, wearing fancy dress. We were told about a case where one of the camp commandants recognised a woman as being from the same part of Germany as him, and saved her life. Bob told us about his Wife, also a survivor, who was rescued by Nuns who were nominally outside the whole system. The entire point of this was to remind people that it wasn't straightforward, to take everything away from statistics and into names and choices. <br />
<br />
After that, we split up into our assigned groups (Me and Chris, the other Itchener, were 10) and got taken through some of the finer details more thoroughly. It's probably worth mentioning here that the first sheet we were handed contained the first subject of discussion- an advert for "Auschwitz Experience Stag and Hen nights- bars, clubs... and a visit to the camp if you want to tick the culture box!" React to that however you like. I didn't know either. It sounded like something Chris Morris had made up, but we were all assured it was completely real. The mind boggles. Anyway, after that talk we were given lists of things it was reccomended we bring, and taken through the daily plan for Thursday, when we go to Poland. It turns out our destinations include some of the areas of the... more jarring areas of Auschwitz. The bunks. The Gas Chambers. <br />
<br />
The Hair Room, where photography isn't permitted.<br />
<br />
We were told here that nobody would force us to go into anywhere involving torture or death if we didn't want to. I know I will go in- I'm the type of person who always has to see- but I have no idea how I'll feel once I'm there, in a room where people were once murdered. Especially as my reactions to emotionally charged situations like that tend to be a bit unpredictable- sometimes I'll be in floods of tears, others I'll feel nothing.<br />
<br />
I'll try and take a few photos for part two (which will probably be huge), but obviously not too many. I might have to take some voice recordings too, for my Journalism teacher, who seems to think it would be a good idea. <br />
<br />
Clothes wise... I'll be toning everything down to go. It feels necessary. It appears I'll still be wearing my platform boots, though- I wasn't going to, but it soon became clear they were the better option, and the volunteer greenlit me. <br />
<br />
Anyway, the Seminar rounded off with a typical closure, including more instructions and general anticipation. <br />
<br />
It was a strange walk back to Farringdon Station. <br />
<br />
So... I have no idea how I'm going to work out 'sleeping' between Wednesday and Thursday, seeing as I have to go to college as normal on the Wednesday but still be up at three to get to Gatwick, but I'll manage somehow. It'll be difficult- it already has been, what with us nearly getting lost on the London Underground- but it'll definitely be well worth it.Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-45790919092470285762011-11-01T15:32:00.000+00:002011-11-01T15:32:23.108+00:00Autistics Speaking Day Post- Reasons I support Neurodiversity.Neurodiversity, as a movement, isn't always taken seriously. I've heard everything from people calling it a joke to people calling it a cult. Many seem not to understand, completely mystified by why anyone would want to be 'proud' of a 'disease'. Others argue that it is all very well for people with Aspergers, ADHD, Tourettes and other so-called 'high-functioning' neurotypes to shout for acceptance rather than cure, but they have a child who can't speak, can't sleep, can't read and needs <i>treatment</i>. A lot of people just flat-out don't see it as a legitimate movement, or misunderstand horribly and think the whole point of ND is to take liberties and make neuroatypical people legally and socially untouchable.<br />
<br />
I have a lot I wish I could say to these people. I have supported neurodiversity since I was thirteen years old.<br />
<br />
I am a woman with mild Aspergers- mild to the point it took them around seven years of dithering to decide that I definitely had it. I can 'pass' reasonably well, and usually just come across as an eccentric NT. I wasn't bullied that badly at school, my family have never abused, discriminated against, or tried to cure me, I have had friends far more often than not and I have only been faced with institutional discrimination once, and that was a mild case. I am, technically speaking, one of the lucky ones- but after battling long periods of depression and very low self-esteem, I certainly don't feel lucky. Which begs the question... if I, one of the 'lucky' ones, can get hurt this badly, where does that leave people who had it worse than me?<br />
<br />
I support neurodiversity for those people who had it worse and suffered horribly simply because they were different in a way other's couldn't understand; and I support neurodiversity for other like me, who got off likely in comparison and still had a rough ride.<br />
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I support neurodiversity because I am yet to meet a neuroatypical person who has not suffered from stereotyping, bullying, and discrimination at one stage or another, and I support neurodiversity because for many of these people, the discrimination has come from parents and teachers they should have been able to trust.<br />
<br />
I support neurodiversity because the rate of mental illness amongst neuroatypical people, especially people on the autistic spectrum, is through the roof, and nobody seems to see it as an issue. Many professionals accept this as 'a natural part of autism', rather than looking for an external cause and trying to treat it, like they usually would with a neurotypical patient.<br />
<br />
I support neurodiversity because I believe this high rate of mental illness is caused by the stress of trying to 'pass', and because the amount of pressure placed on people to pass is most likely damaging. Neuroatypical children are not taught to be themselves like neurotypical children are. They are taught to suppress themselves and be someone else, someone more likable, someone more sociable, someone less 'weird'. Neuroatypical children are taught, effectively, to be people pleasers, to place their self worth in how much other people like them, and in turn consider it a fault with themselves if someone does not like them. I support Neurodiversity because this is wrong.<br />
<br />
I support neurodiversity because I believe there is space for a massive variety of people in society, and that including those who are different rather than trying to mould them into a prescribed 'norm' is the way forward.<br />
<br />
I support neurodiversity because some of the treatments and medications given to neuroatypical children are unfair, have bad side effects, or are downright dangerous. Many children are harmed or denied a childhood by parents desperately trying to change them into something they're not.<br />
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I support neurodiversity because the ND movement challenges Autism Speaks, who contribute heavily to this by exploiting the fears of parents rather than offering them genuine help.<br />
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I support neurodiversity because neuroatypical people seldom get fair or accurate representations in the media. I know fictional Aspergers characters are virtually interchangeable, and in the media we are often described with patronising language such as 'weak', 'naive', and 'vulnerable'. To name some other examples, Dyslexia is often taken to extremes in fiction for the purposes of drama, Kanner's Autism is seldom depicted, and when it is, it's often in a plucky-heartstrings 'my tragic child' kind of storyline. Good luck finding a depiction of Tourettes that isn't a) focused exclusively on coprolalic tics and b) played for laughs. When the best you can hope for is for your neurotype to be featured in a supercrip storyline or article, or not be <i>too </i>stereotyped or infantilised, you know there's a problem.<br />
<br />
I support neurodiversity because neuroatypical people are almost always shut out of decision-making that concerns them. If they get involved at all, it's to tell their story and then leave the important talks to the NTs. We seldom get the chance to suggest improvements or challenge the status quo, and when we do, we often find our input was unwelcome, far more so than if a parent or professor had said it. Even the UK's National Autistic Society, in most ways very good, is guilty of this.<br />
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I support Neurodiversity because the current system places 'looking normal' in front of the feelings, desires, personality and emotional wellbeing of the neuroatypical person.<br />
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I support neurodiversity because searching for cures takes away from searching for productive workarounds, alternative communication and learning methods, education, and support.<br />
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I support neurodiversity because so many neuroatypical children and adults have to battle and struggle when the vast majority of their peers do not.<br />
<br />
I support neurodiversity because I care about equality and social justice in general. To me, being in favour of neurodiversity is as obvious a thing to do as being against racism.<br />
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And I will continue to support neurodiversity in the hope that with enough time and effort, eventually everything I've written in this post will simply go without saying.Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-86198623448125128782011-10-31T00:13:00.000+00:002011-10-31T00:13:28.139+00:00Reading and Writing.This is one of those spur-of-the-moment posts. It's not coming from good feelings, to be honest, but I'll try to keep it as light-hearted as possible.<br />
<br />
When I think of my childhood, reading is one of the first things that come to mind. In primary, I was the books kid. I was the kid who learnt to read early and stayed ahead from there on in. I was the kid who found writing fun, and consistently got top grades in creative writing or English pieces. I was the kid who, in year two, would randomly walk out of the classroom the second the teacher's back was turned, run off down the corridor to the bookcase, plonk herself down on the floor and start reading. A couple of years later, I was the kid who'd have to be forcibly dragged out of the library, and who would take a book off a shelf whilst standing in the dinner queue, never getting deterred by the fact that she'd have to grudgingly put it back after a minute or so when everyone moved forward. I was the kid who, in year six, would pull a book out of her bag and start reading in class whenever the work got too boring (and then get verbally bollocked into next week by the teacher).<br />
<br />
Then, in year seven, I attempted to <i>write</i> books, some fact, some fiction, and, after religiously writing at least a page a night, I actually managed to finish one, although nothing ever came of it. I also regularly read the textbooks on teaching and disability in my school's Student Support area, because the vast majority of the fiction was so far below my level I just could not muster up any interest in it. In year eight, I submitted an autobiographical piece of writing to a child psychologist, who was writing a book about autism as seen from the perspective of children on the spectrum, and was happy to see it make the final cut. Around this time, I started doing patches of creative writing for fun.<br />
<br />
When people asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, my answer would always be some variation on 'writer'.<br />
<br />
Now, I'm...<br />
<br />
I can't exactly pin down when things changed, but they did. They did so damn much. I can only suppose that when I got... whatever I got... around the middle of year nine, and my motivation to work began to wane, my motivation to write did too. It's been so, so long now since I wrote bits of fiction just for the fun of it. I still have ideas, but they never seem to make it to paper like they used to. As for reading, well, there's been a couple of years now where it's taken me ages to get round to reading anything, and even longer to actually read it. I'm gradually getting better on that front, but considering reading used to be something I just did all the time, the fact that I've spent vast swathes of the last two or three years just 'not in the mood'... I just don't know how it happened.<br />
<br />
My current environment hasn't helped. At least, with Wyvern, I had my English GCSE coursework (most pieces of which I got an A* for), and the school newspaper, which I wrote for multiple times over the course of the year. Even the final exam allowed me to be creative, and I actually had fun as I answered the final question with a surreal fantasy short story. Itchen? Nothing. I applied to write for the newsletter, but this time I just had no motivation, and ended up writing my entry at the absolute last minute. It didn't get included, probably because it was rushed, possibly because it wasn't suitable, and I never made an effort to get a second chance. I don't really have any creative subjects, either. Teaching To Exams is one of the biggest problems with the current education system, and English lang/lit is one of the worst casualties. You hardly ever get a chance to experiment or be creative on this course. Everything's about the exam, and the real objective seems to be learning to write what the examiner wants to read. It's dry, businesslike, and joyless.<br />
<br />
I was supposed to be going on a creative writing course last July, but that fell through. My lack of organisation has a lot to answer for, really. <br />
<br />
Anyway, today my best friend started talking to be about the novel she's randomly decided to write, and it struck me just how much I want to reverse whatever went wrong. The one thing I was naturally really good at and I've just... done next to nothing with it for two years or so. To be honest, writing is still what I <i>really</i> want to do as a career, no matter what other plans I make, and it's looking as though my feelings that I'd 'lost the knack' when it comes to writing might not be as accurate as I'd thought. Last week, my history teacher complimented me on my 'fluent' writing style. I almost died of shock. I had been convinced that I wasn't good at it anymore, it's starting to look like I might be wrong.<br />
<br />
I am gradually turning things around. I have taken A level Journalism, even though it might never get me anywhere, because it's what I wanted (although it's turned out this first year will be all about Radio, and I won't actually get to write anything until next year). I have entered a poetry competition. For the first time in ages, I'm reading regularly for fun. However, the fact that I'm having to put effort into this at all is a bit of a downer, really.<br />
<br />
The seven year old kid who used to sit in the corner of the class with a book in her hand, enjoy writing poems, and look forward to visits to the local library? I miss her. I want her back. <br />
<br />
Now, I did say I'd make this light-hearted, and I'm not sure I've managed that, so here's some fluff to finish off. I have a confession: I've been watching the Moomins, not out of nostalgia, but because that show is just too cute. And the artwork's pretty. And it has whimsical charm and blah blah blah. Basically, I watch it for the same reason a baby watches when you dangle a really shiny necklace in front of it's face. It's what I have instead of a lava lamp.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<b>The Goth Challenge- Day 18: Worst Hair Experience?: </b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
Oh, there's no question about this. My worst hairdo is late 2008 to mid 2010.<br />
<br />
Right, to clarify, my hair is stupidly thick and naturally wavy, and it long ago decided that it wasn't going to take any orders from the likes of me. My hair does what it likes. I can tie it back or put it up, but it will battle styling products like no-one's business, it took serious cunning to get it to accept black dye rather than chuck half of it out during the first wash, and I'm yet to see straighteners have any effect on it besides 'horrible'.<br />
<br />
When it's long, this doesn't matter, because long thick wavy hair looks nice. When my hair is long, like it is now, I see it as my best feature. No, the problems came when I, aged thirteen and deciding a change would be nice, decided to cut it down, in a couple of stages, from chest-length to chin-length.<br />
<br />
It wasn't having that. <br />
<br />
I'd hoped to straighten my newly short hair into a nice sleek bob. What I got, no matter how thorough I was with the straighteners, was the revolting, mud-eating twin of this:<br />
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<br />
Once or twice, I tried to solve the problem by adding a layer. All that did was give me Miss Hoolie with a slight edge of James May.<br />
<br />
It took me a long time to realise that there was just no way my hair was going to look decent below shoulder length, and even once I'd decided to grow it back out, it took forever to get down to a good length, as though it was trying to punish me for getting uppity with it.<br />
<br />
It couldn't hold off forever, though. (Excuse pyjamas, the wonderful background of Shower Screen, and fact that I had to pull a stupid trick with two mirrors to get my phone at the right angle).<br />
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<br />
(Once, when it was about shoulder length, I tried to backcomb it It stayed put for about half an hour before deciding that anti-gravity wasn't its cup of tea, ta very much, and falling back down). <span id="goog_1099516518"></span><span id="goog_1099516519"></span>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-76545063916991763512011-10-29T18:36:00.001+01:002011-10-29T18:37:49.886+01:00Questions 14- 17I have four posts coming up that I can't really attach questionnaire questions to. One because it's my official Autistics Speaking Day post, and three because they're, well, you'll see, but trust me when I say that tacking my witterings about the Goth subculture onto the bottom of them would be not only horribly out of place, but plain disrespectful.<br />
<br />
So...<br />
<br />
J<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">ust call this post the Home for abandoned questions.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Day 14 – What was your best and worst DIY disaster?:</span></span></b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Worst- My tattered umbrella. I went a bit overboard, and it wasn't until I actually tried to walk around with it that I realised breaking bits of the frame instead of sticking to tearing the canvas probably wasn't such a great idea. The tears themselves don't look particularly good either- too clean. It wasn't a terrible effort, but it didn't come out how I'd hoped, and I fully intend to have another crack at the whip at some stage. </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Best- What I now refer to as simply 'the green thing'. It used to be a lime green long sleeved top, but over the Summer I dug it out of the wardrobe, cut off the sleeves and most of the trim, and after much deliberation, decided to cut large triangle shapes out of the sides, and a small diamond shape out of the back just below te neckline, and zigzagged the hem. I never imagined it to actually turn out alright- even as I was cutting it I wasn't sure what I was doing was really a good idea- but it has. It's a nightmare to put on, as it's basically nothing but strips of fabric, but it's turned out exactly how I wanted it to, if not better. </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">I'm also proud of the fact that the first time I changed an entire set of buttons on a shirt, they came out perfectly in line and functional. Truth be told, I'd fully expected to cock up. </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Day 15- Your favourite or most expensive item in your wardrobe?: </span></span></b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Most expensive? Easy enough, my current pair of boots cost £100-and-stupid, although to be fair, they're hopefully going to last me two or three years. Can't really choose a favourite though, partly because my taste in clothes jumps about a bit (I'm one of those whatever-Goths who won't stick with one style for more than five minutes at a time), and partly because I've found that my 'favourite' always seems to be whichever DIY attempt I've recently managed to pull off. </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">I do have a pair of earrings I made out of two beads and some craft wire that look really nice, though. </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times; font-weight: normal;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Day 16- What's the most casual you've ever dressed?: </span></span></b></span></span></b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times; font-weight: normal;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></b></span></span></b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">What... ever? In my life (or at least, my life after I was old enough to have some kind of personal style)? Well, when I was about ten, eleven, twelve I was quite tomboyish, and mostly stuck to jeans, trainers and an ordinary top, with no makeup and very little jewellery, so... probably something from that general time period. I feel I should probably post a photo of eleven year old tomboy-me, but I don't really have time right now to go rummaging around in search of a good example. I'll see if I can get my hands on one for the 'post a picture for every year/month you've been in the subculture' question. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times; font-weight: normal;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></b></span></span></b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times; font-weight: normal;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times; font-weight: normal;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Day 17- Your favourite Goth brand?: </span></span></b></span></span></b></span></span></b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times; font-weight: normal;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times; font-weight: normal;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></b></span></span></b></span></span></b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">I don't generally have much in the way of brand loyalty, but if to name the few that catch my eye more than most...</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">New Rock- ClicheClicheFuckingClicheOnAPenny-Farthing. But it's true, they have never failed me. </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Alchemy- I do believe I mentioned the way flicking through one of their catalogues turned me, for ten minutes, into a three year old visiting Toys R Us for the first time- at Christmas, after drinking an entire bottle of Sunny Delight. Again, Cliche, I know. But to be honest, I don't care. </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Also, I'm generally not the type to bother with expensive jewellery. The way I see it, why bother spending £50 on a ring, when you can pick up something just as nice for under a fiver at a Charity Shop or cheap mainstream shop, or in one of the little Hippy junk shops you find dotted around most major cities? So the fact that I'm impressed enough by Alchemy to consider spending £20 or more on one of their necklaces says a lot about them, I feel. </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span> </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">And to bring this either down into the realm of the mallgoth or across to the Metal and Hard Rock subcultures, depending on your perspective... Spiral. Why? They have more T-shirts, jumpers and tops emblazoned with fantasy artwork than you could shake a stick at, and I love wearing fantasy art. I looked in my wardrobe a while ago, and discovered that almost all of the T-shirts I'd bought from alt clothing shops during my babybat years (Oh, OK, I do still visit them from time to time) were by Spiral. I hadn't done that intentionally, I'd never paid any attention whatsoever to the label on the clothes I was buying, but it was clear that Spiral clothing had just kept catching my eye again and again, and I'd be lying if I said that had changed. The designs are pretty, and I'm enough of a geek to wear them in public. I regret nothing. </span></span></span>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-20404420074297196222011-10-24T01:48:00.001+01:002011-10-24T01:50:11.664+01:00Shamelessly plugging things.Well, almost three weeks after ordering it, my top hat hasn't turned up. I've reordered using express delivery, which is a bit more expensive but I'm not running the risk of having this one go AWOL too, and once I'd done that, I messaged the company, which wasn't easy. There doesn't seem to be an adequately formal-but-friendly way of saying "I'd quite like to recieve some compensation, but i won't kick up a strop if this can't be done." It appears my message was coherent enough, though, because I've just had another email come through saying I've been fully reimbursed and my new order is on it's way. I'll go and thank them in a minute...<br />
<br />
So, it looks like all's well that ends well, but I'm still not impressed, Royal Mail.<br />
<br />
I'm also not impressed with you, Depressiveness. OK, maybe telling the Doctor that I thought I was over this lapse was like holding up a sign asking you to pop up the following morning all "Only joking, I'm still here!" but nonetheless... you are such a Motherfucker.<br />
<br />
Speaking of aforementioned Doctor, it's looking like I've found one who's willing to take me seriously. Huzzah!<br />
<br />
One of the footpaths behind my house couldn't actually be walked down due to overgrown bushes, so today, in full Responsible Citizen mode, I wandered off down there with some secateurs and a garden bag. I won the ensuing woman-vs-shrubbery battle, but suffered terrible wounds (well, I got scratched a bit and the secateurs rubbed some skin off my thumb) for my efforts.<br />
<br />
Flipped through a friend's Alchemy Jewellery catalogue. Once I stopped making moon eyes long enough to engage my brain, I decided that if I ever win an insane amount on the premium bonds, I'll buy the entire contents.<br />
<br />
Feeding the neighbour's cats this week... and just like the last time, I started off the stint by putting the food in the water bowl by mistake, and then spending the next ten minutes shamefacedly scooping it out and mopping the floor. **sigh**<br />
<br />
Wait- what was I talking about again?<br />
<br />
Oh, yeah. Radio shows!<br />
<br />
I have a new Sunday morning routine. I set my alarm for just before Six in the morning, bully myself awake (and nip downstairs to make a cup of tea if I have time), turn on my computer, load up my Itunes, click on KUCI live streaming, and listen to the Black Cauldron and the Heart Beats Machine. Two radio shows, one directly after the other, that play a wide variety Goth, Darkwave, and Industrial music. The early start is because the station, KUCI, is based in California, which is a full 8 hours behind me in terms of time. It may be silly o'clock for me, but for the vast majority of the audience, it's evening or night.<br />
<br />
OK, so the fact that I'm willingly getting up with the lark on a Sunday is making me seriously doubt my own sanity, and I am yet to perfect the art of not nodding off during the ad breaks and missing bits, but to be honest I think the effort's worth it. In just three weeks of listening, several bands and songs I hadn't been aware of previously crept into my radar.<br />
<br />
(Unnecessary spammage just for the sake of proving my point in 3, 2, 1...)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://3.gvt0.com/vi/T6ro2Krgt_M/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/T6ro2Krgt_M&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/T6ro2Krgt_M&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object></div><br />
Die Form: I hadn't heard of them prior to the Heart Beats Machine, but they caught my ear instantly. This particular song got downloaded almost straight away.<br />
<br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'd listened to The Birthday Massacre casually for a while, but I hadn't come across this song before. I'm now hopelessly in love with it. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/cwaXcxp4Vuo?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Somehow, I'd managed to remain ignorant of Diary of Dreams' existence up until I heard them on the Black Cauldron. I'm pretty glad that's changed, because this band is awesome. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Tired as I was when I first heard this song this morning, I fell in love with it instantly, and fully intend to check out the band properly sometime soon. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Another find from this morning: I'm not usually a big fan of lyrics as misanthropic as these ones are, but I just couldn't help but like this song. It's catchy, it's funnier than it should be, it's original... I'll probably have this playing on a loop for a while, whether I like it or not. </div><br />
So, while I can't expect everyone to be as enthusiastic about this find as I am (let's face it, early starts on Sundays aren't fun), I will say that if anyone reading this is into goth music and finds themselves awake and at a loose end during the early hours of Sunday morning... tune in. These two shows are well worth a listen. <br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Day 13 – What was your first band t-shirt?:</span></b></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">This is cliched as hell, but it was a Marilyn Manson one. It cost £Cheap. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; line-height: 18px;">I soon found out why. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; line-height: 18px;">Seriously, within a matter of months it was full of near-unreparable holes. Not fun. </span>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-2498053288789836502011-10-14T02:31:00.000+01:002011-10-14T02:31:29.915+01:00EighteenSo... I turned eighteen today- well, technically yesterday now, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't finding it a bit strange. 30 hours ago I was legally a minor. Now I'm... not. And it's good, because I can vote and buy things and apply for jobs that require bar service, but something's telling me it might take a bit of getting used to.<br />
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My lack of organisation really showed through today. It may be my 18th, but I didn't organise anything (although that's partly because of the lack of places in Southampton I'm actually interested in going to), and my inability to come up with present ideas means I'm now the proud owner of enough jewellery to set up a small business. Not that I'm complaining. It's all nice jewellery. :)<br />
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And yes, I did buy a bottle of beer on the way home from college today, just for the novelty of it. <br />
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In other news, I'd like to congratulate VNV Nation on being the creators of the first and only song to successfully reduce me to a crying puddle on the floor. I don't tend to cry at songs, and on the rare occasion I do it's a couple of tears and that's it. One listen of VNV Nation's <i>Illusion, </i>however, and I found myself having to wipe off my eye makeup because it had run and smudged all over my face in the sudden floods. That song really hit home for me in at least three different ways, probably more. The lyrics could have been said by me.<br />
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After hearing this song, I remembered something I'd heard recently about VNV Nation playing in Southampton. Deciding it would be nice to go to a gig again, I rushed to Facebook to look up the date... only to find it to be the 11th of October. In other words, two days ago.<br />
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Damn.<br />
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Ehh...<br />
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I still don't entirely know what I'm doing with this blog, to be honest. I keep worrying that I'm talking about myself too much, which is a bit silly really. Aren't blogs the best places for that?<br />
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More objective posts might be an idea though... Hmm, I'll see.<br />
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And now, Question twelve (answered on what appears to be day sixty-one. I'm not doing very well here, am I?)<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; line-height: 18px;"><b>Day 12 – What's your gothic inspiration?:</b></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In terms of how I dress, I don't really have one. I get inspiration for that from anywhere and everywhere, and I rarely take influence from the same person twice. In terms of everything else... well, it was Jillian Venters and her pony show that first made me feel as though the Gothic subculture might actually be open to me, so I'll definitely throw her name in. Reading Gothic Charm School was what made me shift mentally from "I sometimes think I might be Goth, but I don't do A and B, I listen to band X, and I havent done K, so I can't be" to "Actually... this seems to fit and I might as well go with it." Her attitude is pretty awesome, as well. </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Sometimes I get tempted to look to Emilie Autumn for tactical reasons. I'm an asexual Goth with a weird brain; she's an allegedly asexual Goth with a weird brain. It makes too much sense to just ignore. </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">And I cant really call him a 'Gothic Inspiration' so much as a general living legend who happens to play Goth-friendly music... but Mana of Malice Mizer/Moi Dix Mois fame. I have a huge amount of admiration for this guy, mainly because of how he just does things his own way. He was the bandleader of one of the most creative and theatrical bands I've ever come across, and is now making a living out of a self-indulgent pet project, coupled with the entire brand of fashion he created. Also, he's an eccentric in Japan. He lives in one of the most pro-conformity nations in the world, and he doesn't conform. There are stories of him trying to get a job in 80's Tokyo whilst sporting green hair, there are photos of him just wandering down the road crossdressed. If you read an interview with him, it becomes clear that he definitely has his own way of seeing the world and has no desire to make his music anyone else's way. Also, he explicitly said that the Visual Kei scene was a mess, so he was going to turn to clock back- a.k.a, reclaim it, rather than run away from it, which is what a lot of other artists tend to do. </span></span>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-6659947034669175912011-10-13T00:30:00.002+01:002011-10-13T00:35:11.833+01:00Question 10 is a juggernaut (Question 11 comes free).Just realised that in the last post alone, I have sentences that jump around every tense in the English language and an 'it' with two Is. So careless! I really need to start proofreading my posts...<br />
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Anyway...<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; line-height: 16px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><a href="http://julietslace.blogspot.com/2011/08/day-10-what-do-you-hate-and-love-about.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">Day 10 – What do you hate and love about the subculture?</span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">:</span></span></b></span><br />
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Well, normally I don't make entire posts about individual questionnaire questions, but I feel I have enough to say about this one to break that rule.<br />
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<b>Bad thing 1: Elitism: </b><br />
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This probably goes without saying. We all know the types: The trigger-happy Self-Appointed Poseur Police who will take to task anyone who doesn't do things exactly the same way that they do; Playground bullies with no self-awareness who talk gleefully about how much fun it is to tear babybats to shreds, and then wonder why young people aren't joining the subculture; People who accuse emos of the same attention-seeking, faux-depressive, violent behaviour that Goths were accused of for years, and manage to not see the brain-breaking hypocrisy: People who take everything way too seriously and view liking non-Goth music and not wearing elaborate makeup every day as Treason.<br />
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You know. Idiots.<br />
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What anyone who gets hit with the 'poseur' stick has to remember is that just because the elitists see themselves as experts, it doesn't mean they actually are. In my experience, everyone has a different idea of what Goth is and isn't, and chances are the guy calling you a poseur has been accused of the same himself at some stage. You'll never please everyone, but you'll never displease everyone either.<br />
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It is worth saying that there are some things that people claim to be Goth, but aren't. The correct way to deal with this is by politely correcting them, not losing your temper as though they've just committed an act of treason.<br />
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<b>Good thing 1: Appreciation of intelligence: </b><br />
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What can I say, I love being part of a subculture where intelligence is encouraged. You're encouraged to read books, to think, to be creative, to do well in tasks you set yourself. Most people believe in basic manners, which is great. Also, as someone who has a natural tendency to use old fashioned, technical, or otherwise 'low frequency' words, sayings and phrasings in her everyday vocabulary, it's nice to have a subculture where that's not really frowned upon.<br />
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... and theres not much more I can say about that, so moving on...<br />
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<b>Bad thing 2: Beauty standards (Or something to that effect, anyway...):</b><br />
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</b><br />
This is the big one, but despite this I'm having trouble putting it into words. I'm afriad this is one of those cases where <i>I </i>know what I mean... but can't quite nail down a decent explanation. It's all I'll be able to do to make this make sense, to be honest. If you're reading... good luck, because you'll need it. <br />
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Here's the long and short of it: I'm one of those social justice types who has a very left wing, very sociology-based, and very feminist view of society. Most Goths, as in most sections of society... don't, and occasionally I come across things that everyone else seems to be fine with, but which I see as problematic or can't relate to, and feel... I don't know, maybe a little cut off, or like a killjoy. Take Monster High Dolls. I first came across them on another forum, and the OP was complaining about them, for the same reasons people complain about Bratz dolls. Toys that teach little girls that looking sexy and getting guys are the most important things in the world, you know the drill. Anyway, I basically agreed with him/her- it's hard to not raise an eyebrow at a werewolf doll who's backstory includes her giggling about how she spends all day removing body hair, when the product is going to be sold to girls who aren't even in a position to shave yet. I wondered what the hell were the company had been thinking, and decided that these dolls weren't something I'd ever give a child.<br />
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Later on, I began to notice that a few other Goths were mentioning Monster High Dolls on their blogs, and they all thought they were the coolest things ever and wanted to buy one. I don't have any problems at all with the last bit- you can't object to an adult buying something to stick on the windowsill, but the former... I don't get it. Does nobody else see that there's something a little bit screwed up in society if dolls who exist solely to look sexy are being sold to six year olds? <br />
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Another example. The overuse of models. I surely can't be the only person who thinks professionally developed images featuring equally professional models are used to represent Goth too much, and is slightly worried that this is setting up a beauty standard? I mean, I don't object to people using models where it's appropriate, but a lot of the time they use them where they could just as easily have used... anyone. An elaborately dressed and perfectly airbrushed model. A plain Casual goth in jeans and a T-shirt. A bearded forty year old man. A fourteen year old girl who hasn't quite got the makeup down yet. All these people. A big group of people of various shapes and sizes, some elaborately dressed, some not. Some with perfect hair and makeup, some with no makeup or untidy hair. Some fat, some thin, some short, some tall... I suppose what I'm basically saying here is that I wish a much wider cross-section of the subculture was used on blogs and in videos. By using just the 'perfect people' in everything, whether it's necessary or not, you risk setting up a beauty standard that is difficult or impossible for many people to attain, and if that happens there's likely to be people, particularly younger people, being made to feel as though the way they look isn't good enough, or that they're letting the side down or failing miserably because they can't get their lipstick to go right. And that's a trap I'd quite like the Goth subculture to not fall into.<br />
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<b>Good thing 2: The fun of it. </b><br />
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There's a reason I eventually caved in and self-identified as Goth. I love the music, for a start. I love Bauhaus. I love the Cure. I love the Cruxshadows more and more every day. I have what it takes to love Sopor Aeturnus and her lyrical weirdness, to the stage where I have, in the past, got Feralia Genitalia stuck in my head and worried I'd end up wandering around college singing under my breath about my genitals falling off.<br />
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I love doing DIY jobs on my clothes. Slashing an old T-shirt to bits, changing buttons, adding chains, making kitschy jewellery out of craft shop compartments or bits of stationery. I'm a womble these days. I pick things up in shops of all sorts, markets, the kitchen drawer, and wonder what I can do with them. I even caught myself looking at a bit of synthetic hair that had fallen out of my friend's Lady Gaga wig and wondering if I could make use of it (I couldn't, surprisingly enough :p).<br />
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I love the clothes.<br />
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I love things that tend to get written off as scary or strange. I love weird things mainly because they're weird. Hell, I found myself looking at Malice Mizer with flying saucer eyes the first time I came across them age fourteen, because I hadn't seen anything like them before, and I loved that.<br />
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Some people say Goth is a mindset, others don't, I'm personally on the fence. However, when I hear people define 'the Goth mindset', I can often relate to it very well. Seeing good things where others don't. Being introspective and interested in psychological matters. Being creative. Having at least a slight pretentious streak (although I do try to keep her quiet and out of bother).<br />
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There's a subculture where I can be a tea addict and like anachronisms, and that's OK. I can also use words like 'anachronism' without worrying everyone will think I'm some horrible snob.<br />
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I daresay a lot of people would have me down as a poser. I could never really get into the Sisters, I'm yet to go to a Goth club, and I've never read Poe outside an English lesson (not because I dislike his works, it's mainly because I prefer long books with complex plots to short stories. There's a lot to admire about Poe, but in a contest between him and the latest Discworld/China Mieville doorstopper/bit of Neil Gaiman bizarroness, or a book with more social commentary than the entire 1960's packed between it's pages, he comes off worse). I don't worry about that too much any more though, partly for the resons I detailed in my first point, partly because I know that Goth is just <i>me</i>. And I love it.<br />
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As I've taken so bloody long to update yet again (it's hard to ignore the fact that my EPQ exists), I've decided to throw Question 11 in here as well.<br />
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<strong><span style="font-family: Times;">Day 11- Is Goth a lifestyle for you?: </span></strong><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times;">I'll say yes to this one, simply because there's never a day when I'm "Not a Goth". For that to happen, my entire set of likes and dislikes would have to radically change for a day. The way I see it, even when I'm sat in my pyjamas listening to/watching/reading something very un-gothy, I'm a Goth. </span><br />
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</b>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-22979199407206429552011-09-20T02:31:00.002+01:002011-09-20T02:33:41.827+01:00I don't think my brain likes tranquility.Good news! I think I have the lapse under control at long last.<br />
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Bad news! My brain's being an overanalytical gitwizard instead.<br />
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It thinks I need to question my sexuality again. It thinks I need to question my sexuality because, well, people are always saying that depression and low self-esteem can cause sexual repression, and I have a background in both those things. It thinks I need to question my sexuality because, y'know, can I be so certain that the feelings I had during my relationship weren't <i>really</i> just because Adam was the wrong person for me? It thinks I need to question my sexuality because there's, like, some bloke on the internet who identified as ace at my age but suddenly developed sexual feelings at 21, and ohmigosh, what if I turn out to be the same?<br />
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It's fucking ridiculous.<br />
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Maybe this is fairly standard with asexuality. It is, after all, characterised by an absence of something, and therefore that little bit harder to nail down. There's a lot more misinformation around it, too. For one thing, the popular definition of asexuality is generally speaking a <i>lot </i>narrower than the asexual definition of asexuality, and it's sometimes hard not to let that have an effect. No matter how much you <i>know</i> it's OK to be asexual and want a relationship, if just as many people around you are telling you it's not, it can be difficult not to start calling things into question. It's also a lot harder to brush off 'you're just a late bloomer' type comments because logically, there's no real way you can be certain that's not the case. There are people in this world who feel nothing until their late teens or early twenties. Can you be sure identifying as ace before your eighteenth birthday isn't jumping the gun?<br />
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Mostly though, I think my worries are down to me. I know my mind. It attaches to the slightest uncertainty like a pitbull terrier and not let go until every microscopic shred of doubt is erased completely. Letting things alone to sort themselves out in time isn't something I've ever been very good at, and if I have any reason to doubt my sexuality, I'll triple and quadruple and octuple check, trying to bully myself into feeling sexual attraction in order to prove, yet again, that I don't have it.<br />
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I think my background is the big issue here. I have been bullied in my life, and from the age of about ten, some of the boys decided that the best way to bully me would be by sarcastically asking me out and feeling me up, the intention being making the idea that anyone could possibly be attracted to me completely ludicrous. In my mid teens, I got what I now strongly believe to be depression, which lowers sex drive.<br />
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Sometimes I wonder whether I internalised the bullying so much I walled up my sexual attraction as a response, and then had it depleted further by depression. All this depite the fact that:<br />
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A) Although it's never talked about, sexual bullying is more or less the go-to method for boys to bully girls. Every girl I know who has been bullied has been bullied in this manner at some stage, and none of them are asexual. They're all straight, or bi.<br />
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B) the bullying wasn't fun, but iit wasn't anywhere near serious enough to cause me to wall up parts of myself. I never got anything worse than a grope, and they were more annoying than anything else. I had a grand total of one legitimately horrible moment when I was around thirteen, but I think I was already questioning my sexuality by then.<br />
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C) I <i>did</i> internalise the bullying and begin to feel that I was a repulsive human being who would never have a relationship or sex. I <i>panicked</i> over this when I was around fifteen, seriously. But when I took a step backwards, I realised that the only reason for my panic was that I, in my depressive state, had managed to conflate 'having a boyfriend' and 'having sex' with 'being an adult'. I saw sex and relationships as rites of passage I had to go through in order to truly grow up. Once I realised this, I reassessed my motives, and realised that my screwed up associations were the only reason I had ever wanted sex in the first place. Without those associations, the appeal was... a minor curiosity to see what the fuss was about at some stage, but no more. I didn't want it. I had no desire for it. For the first time in a couple of years, I began to consider asexuality.<br />
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D) I haven't stopped considering asexuality since. In fact, it's been default.<br />
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E) If the bullying and depression made me wall up my sexual attraction... why do I still have romantic attraction? And why didn't I start to feel attracted to people again after getting into a serious relationship, proving the bullies wrong?<br />
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F) In mid year eleven, my depression decreased a lot, and since then most of my life has been either free or almost free of depression. And guess what? I have not, at any point, spontaneously developed sexual attraction.<br />
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Then, if you add to that:<br />
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G) I first came across the term 'asexual' when I was about twelve, and applied it to myself almost straight away. How I knew I don't know, as I wasn't even through puberty then, but I did. Before anything that could cause sexual repression had happened, I was questioning and leaning towards ace.<br />
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H) I dropped the 'asexual' label for a few years, but came back to it when I realised how much i didn't do and didn't want. I didn't have crushes. I had never searched for porn. Anything involving swapping body fluids seemed more awkward and yuck than anything else. If I hadn't known the word 'asexual', I would have been very confused from here on in.<br />
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I) As a child, I remember hearing my friends talk about boys they fancied. I, who didn't do this, told myself that it was OK to have crushes, and tried to force some. I latched onto any feeling, from mild affection for a person to hero-worship to actual romantic attraction (although I didn't know the word for it then) and called it a crush, honestly believing I was feeling the same as other people did. On reflection... it really wasn't.<br />
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J) Speaking of romantic attraction, the concept of it always existed in my mind. I knew romantic love and sexual attraction weren't the same, and I still sometimes struggle to understand why so many people are unable to mentally separate the two. The concept of physical attraction as separate also makes perfect sense to me, and in my experience that's something many sexual people get confused about.<br />
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K) 'Those' months with 'those' associations aside, when I imagined myself in a relationship, I didn't imagine sex. That hasn't changed.<br />
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L) My romantic attraction has no relation to the appearance of the person.<br />
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M) My relationship. Being in a relationship with a straight guy tends to make you realise just how ace you are.<br />
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N) I could easily go the rest of my life without sex. In fact, right now it's what I'd prefer.<br />
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O) Oh, and sexual attraction? I don't have it. I do seem to have little flickers of physical attraction, though, which I think is where some of the confusion stems from. I think I keep worrying if what I think is physical attraction is actually sexual, and using it to back up my insecurities. The more I think about it, the more I realise it's a load of bollocks.<br />
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Most importantly, though, is that I'm not willing to be an incomplete person until I'm twenty-five, refusing to give my orientation a name just on the offchance I one day turn out to have been wrong about it. Some people can postpone things like that, I can't. If in ten years time I find myself straight, or bi, or whatever... well, I'll cross that bridge then. Right now, and in all honesty most likely for good, I'm asexual, and that's all that has to matter.<br />
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</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"></div><h3 class="post-title entry-title" style="font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font: normal normal normal 20px/normal Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0.75em; position: relative;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Day 9 – What genre of music do you dislike?: </span></b></h3><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></b></div><div>Country: Rap: Rn'B: Bubblegum pop. Yeah, stereotypical, I know. Mind you, outside that, I'm fairly versatile and listen to stuff from many different genres. I'm not one of those people who glues herself to one sub-subgenre of music and looks down on anyone who dares listen to to anything else. Oh, and I do also have a dislike for screamo, and that particular brand of Death Metal where it's just cookie monster vocals for five minutes. Cookie Monster vocals are fine in small doses, but if they're going throughout a whole song, I find it a bit annoying. </div>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-64285174862087821342011-09-15T01:14:00.000+01:002011-09-15T01:14:00.512+01:00Upcoming Autistic Speaking Day and Surpise competitions.Good news! I've been a responsible human being and ordered a nice shiny copy of Undoing Depression, which is meant to be one of the best self help books on the subject around. So I'm not intending to just sit and let this mood go where I'm 99.9% sure it's going. I'm in the arena with this one.<br />
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Unfortunately, my resolve of getting my arse in gear hasn't been going to well, as you can see. In all fairness though, I'm blaming college for this one.<br />
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Finding things to talk about is also proving slightly tricky. You see, I want to include a lot of non-ranty posts, but that isn't easy as my life's a bit uneventful at the moment and I don't have much I can witter about. So, for today, I thought I'd fall briefly back on Neurodiversity, and specifically, Autistics Speaking Day, which is coming up this October.<br />
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The day itself is a way away yet, but I, not wanting to get caught short, started thinking about what to write almost immediately. That wasn't an easy task, either. I've already written about several of the bigger issues, and I didn't really want to just shove an old blog post in their direction with a "Here you go, take this". I considered writing about my childhood. I considered filming myself stimming and portraying it in a positive light, until I realised you need a decent camera for that, and I don't have one.<br />
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In the end, I decided to go back to basics. I will be writing about why I support neurodiversity in the first place. This isn't as lazy as it sounds. In fact, I think it sort of has to be done. A lot of people view ND supporters as kooks, and I've seen the ND movement as a collective compared to all sorts- The Flat Earth Society, Indigo Children champions, people who want to give plants the vote... you name it, somebody thinks ND's worse than it. Now, obviously this is ridiculous and needs to change, and taking steps to convey just how important ND is and what it's real goals are is therefore something that needs to be done. In detail. Which I have every intention of doing. Yeah... I won't holding back on this one, people.<br />
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</div><div><b>Day 8: What are your worst and best experiences with non-Goths?</b></div><div><b><br />
</b></div><div>Best: I can't think of anything in particular, but my boots seem to get positive reactions, sometimes Oh-wow-those-are-epic very positive reactions, more often than not. I've had people compliment my hair pretty frequently, too. Plus one friend </div><div><br />
</div><div>Worst: OK, this experience isn't so much bad as it is confusing, but it's more interesting than people shouting 'Emo!' at me from the other side of the road, so here we go:</div><div><br />
</div><div>Dress as you please day. Year 10. Most people who had been into alt clothing in year nine were, by this stage, returning to mainstream fashions, leaving me one of just two Babybats in the year. Needless to say, we stood out a bit more than we had done in previous years. Now, this other Babybat found his feet with Goth quicker than I did, and on this particular day, he was in Steampunk goggles and a full trenchcoat, while I was wearing a Marilyn Manson T shirt, brand name trousers, and... probably just one striped armwarmer (This is something that's never changed- I'll never wear a pair of gloves if I can just wear one). Mind you, l also had my New Rocks and beloved leather jacket, so swings and roundabouts.</div><div><br />
</div><div>So, to summarise the general situation; One fifteen year old was already well acquainted enough with Goth to take large amounts of inspiration from it; another wasn't quite so certain, and was still experimenting with the slightly more mainstream rock and metal subcultures. Not a newsworthy circumstance, really. Or so you'd think.</div><div><br />
</div><div>At Lunchtime, as I was going up the library steps, one of my friends caught up with me and this happened:<br />
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</div><div>Him: (solemnly) I'm sorry, Louise, but Matt's won." </div><div>Me: (pretending to not have guessed what he was on about) Won what?</div><div>Him: "You know, the Goth thing. Matt's better dressed up than you. </div><div><br />
Whether the other Goth ever got informed that, Congratulations, he'd won a Goth-off he'd had no idea he was involved in, and was 'dressed up', I don't know. But for me... I had no idea how to respond. I vaguely remember doing a lot of walking away in bafflement and not saying what I wanted to due to a feeling that it would only get me shunted into the position of 'sore loser'. The whole thing was also a bit of a BLAM- my friend made a couple of comments like this throughout the day (in fact, I've sandwiched two together up there), but once that day was over nothing... ever got mentioned again.<br />
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Until now, of course.<br />
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Sorry, Old Wyvern Friend, on the off chance you're reading this and recognise yourself. You have my full permission to extract revenge and tell the world about something silly I did as a fourteen year old. Fair's fair, after all.<br />
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</div><div>I also have a best worst experience: I was walking to the hairdressers, dressed down a bit because hair dye and shampoo are best kept away from jewellery and favourite clothes. On the way, I passed a group of kids on the way home from school. They took one look at me and started debating, loudly, as to whether or not I was, like, totally emo, innit. Part of the exchange went thus: </div><div>"God, look, emo!" </div><div>"What are you on about, she's not emo!"</div><div>"Yeah she is, she's walking fire, mate!" </div><div><br />
</div><div>Now... I have no idea what the lad meant by 'Walking Fire', but it's definitely the single most awesome insult on the face of the earth. I couldn't help but smile. </div><div><br />
</div>Louisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8454610053579539505.post-75271684189807512952011-09-06T23:46:00.000+01:002011-09-06T23:46:32.901+01:00ExcusesI'm well aware that I haven't updated for... too long. It's a mixture of me being busy; me leaving it too late in the day, getting tired and deciding to go to bed rather than inflict several paragraphs of half-asleep gibberish on the world; and me being in a bit of a funny mood. Out of those three, the first is likely to become a bigger problem as college starts again. The second... well, my bad time management is certainly something I'd like to get under control, and probably something I'll have to get under control if I want to get into a decent uni. And the third? Um... let's just say I'm back with Auntie Moodgym for the foreseeable and leave it at that.<br />
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So, yeah, it's half within my control and half outside it. I'll do my best to stop slacking, but getting an entry in every day might not be doable. I'll see.<br />
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<b>Day 7: List ten of your favourite Goth bands: </b><br />
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</b><br />
Now, I know just how subjective 'what counts as Goth' can be, and as a result I've decided not to worry too much about keeping within the boundaries. I'm aware that I'll never please everyone unless I play it extremely safe, so I'm going to trust my personal judgement and take a couple of risks. Meaning there may be artists on this list that you personally wouldn't consider Goth.<br />
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So, in no particular order...<br />
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<b>1: Faith and the Muse: </b><br />
<b></b>- Classic Gothic rock with a celtic edge.<br />
- I've never found a song by them I didn't like.<br />
- They have political songs. Considering how rare that is among Goth bands, this earns them <i>points</i>.<br />
- Favourite song: Sovereign.<br />
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<b>2: Silver Ash: </b><br />
- Visual Kei/Gothic rock. Probably the biggest shoe-in on the list.<br />
- They were China's first Visual Kei band, and are one of the best in the scene overall. (In my opinion, anyway)<br />
- They really are horrendously underrated, especially considering the sacrifices they had to make and problems they had to face during their career.<br />
- Favourite song: Lunar Eclipse<br />
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<b>3: Sopor Aeturnus and the Ensemble of Shadows:</b><br />
- Darkwave/Neoclassical/Gothic Rock<br />
- Most of her songs contain incredibly bleak or disturbing subject matter, which is depicted graphically enough to have a real emotional impact.<br />
- Many songs are autobiographical, which gives them a highly personal edge.<br />
- Favourite song: The Goat<br />
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<b>4: The Cruxshadows:</b><br />
- Gothic Rock/Darkwave/ Synthpop<br />
- I haven't explored this band much yet- because I keep getting obsessed with every other song by them I hear. It's hard to get through someone's back catalogue when all you want to do is play every new song again... and again... and again...<br />
- Contrary to Sopor, it's the Cruxshadows' energy that sets them apart in my eyes.<br />
- Favourite song: Winterborn<br />
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<b>5: Bauhaus: </b><br />
- Classic Gothic Rock<br />
- I know. Predictable. Is there even any point describing this band? Their awesomeness almost goes without saying.<br />
- Well, I'll say something general: Peter Murphy's vocal style. I'm so glad it became a staple of Goth music.<br />
- Favourite song: Who Killed Mr. Moonlight<br />
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<b>6: The Dresden Dolls: </b><br />
- Dark Cabaret/Alternative rock<br />
- I've never found a song I disliked here either.<br />
- These guys are lyrical genii. Seriously. The vast majority of songs manage to be both multi-layered and emotionally charged.<br />
- Favourite song: Delilah<br />
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<b>7: Velvet Eden: </b><br />
- Darkwave/Visual Kei<br />
- I looked up these guys on a whim. They turned out to be one of the best finds of my life. Their music is just... wonderful. And perfect.<br />
- They are very unique and have a strong signature style, making them one of the best VK bands... ever, really.<br />
- Favourite song: Tsuki Kumo Nocturne<br />
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<b>8: Eve of Destiny: </b><br />
- Goth/Darkwave<br />
- How these guys weren't more successful is beyond me. The members, Kozi and Haruhiko Ash, were both established and successful musicians, and the quality of the music reflected that.<br />
- Their stuff is notoriously hard to find. Look into them anyway. You won't regret it.<br />
- Favourite song: Nervous and Innocence. (Which is currently my ringtone)<br />
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<b>9: Emilie Autumn: </b><br />
- Victorian Industrial<br />
- What I really love about EA's music is how raw it is. She doesn't pull punches lyrically or musically. Even the instrumentals tell a story.<br />
- From what I've gathered, the stage shows are great fun. Just watching Emilie and the Bloody Crumpets bounce off each other cracks me up.<br />
- Favourite song: Marry Me<br />
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<b>10: Blam Honey: </b><br />
- Industrial/Visual Kei<br />
- I love how creative they are with their music, and how detailed their pieces are.<br />
- They're also underrated. Even by me. I... neglect them far too much.<br />
- Favourite song: Enlarge DisorderLouisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02652948249649150826noreply@blogger.com0