Question 10 is a juggernaut (Question 11 comes free).

Just realised that in the last post alone, I have sentences that jump around every tense in the English language and an 'it' with two Is. So careless! I really need to start proofreading my posts...

Anyway...


Day 10 – What do you hate and love about the subculture?:

Well, normally I don't make entire posts about individual questionnaire questions, but I feel I have enough to say about this one to break that rule.

Bad thing 1: Elitism: 


This probably goes without saying. We all know the types: The trigger-happy Self-Appointed Poseur Police who will take to task anyone who doesn't do things exactly the same way that they do; Playground bullies with no self-awareness who talk gleefully about how much fun it is to tear babybats to shreds, and then wonder why young people aren't joining the subculture; People who accuse emos of the same attention-seeking, faux-depressive, violent behaviour that Goths were accused of for years, and manage to not see the brain-breaking hypocrisy: People who take everything way too seriously and view liking non-Goth music and not wearing elaborate makeup every day as Treason.

You know. Idiots.

What anyone who gets hit with the 'poseur' stick has to remember is that just because the elitists see themselves as experts, it doesn't mean they actually are. In my experience, everyone has a different idea of what Goth is and isn't, and chances are the guy calling you a poseur has been accused of the same himself at some stage. You'll never please everyone, but you'll never displease everyone either.

It is worth saying that there are some things that people claim to be Goth, but aren't. The correct way to deal with this is by politely correcting them, not losing your temper as though they've just committed an act of treason.

Good thing 1: Appreciation of intelligence: 


What can I say, I love being part of a subculture where intelligence is encouraged. You're encouraged to read books, to think, to be creative, to do well in tasks you set yourself. Most people believe in basic manners, which is great. Also, as someone who has a natural tendency to use old fashioned, technical, or otherwise 'low frequency' words, sayings and phrasings in her everyday vocabulary, it's nice to have a subculture where that's not really frowned upon.

... and theres not much more I can say about that, so moving on...


Bad thing 2: Beauty standards (Or something to that effect, anyway...):


This is the big one, but despite this I'm having trouble putting it into words. I'm afriad this is one of those cases where I know what I mean... but can't quite nail down a decent explanation. It's all I'll be able to do to make this make sense, to be honest. If you're reading... good luck, because you'll need it.

Here's the long and short of it: I'm one of those social justice types who has a very left wing, very sociology-based, and very feminist view of society. Most Goths, as in most sections of society... don't, and occasionally I come across things that everyone else seems to be fine with, but which I see as problematic or can't relate to, and feel... I don't know, maybe a little cut off, or like a killjoy. Take Monster High Dolls. I first came across them on another forum, and the OP was complaining about them, for the same reasons people complain about Bratz dolls. Toys that teach little girls that looking sexy and getting guys are the most important things in the world, you know the drill. Anyway, I basically agreed with him/her- it's hard to not raise an eyebrow at a werewolf doll who's backstory includes her giggling about how she spends all day removing body hair, when the product is going to be sold to girls who aren't even in a position to shave yet. I wondered what the hell were the company had been thinking, and decided that these dolls weren't something I'd ever give a child.

Later on, I began to notice that a few other Goths were mentioning Monster High Dolls on their blogs, and they all thought they were the coolest things ever and wanted to buy one. I don't have any problems at all with the last bit- you can't object to an adult buying something to stick on the windowsill, but the former... I don't get it. Does nobody else see that there's something a little bit screwed up in society if dolls who exist solely to look sexy are being sold to six year olds?

Another example. The overuse of models. I surely can't be the only person who thinks professionally developed images featuring equally professional models are used to represent Goth too much, and is slightly worried that this is setting up a beauty standard? I mean, I don't object to people using models where it's appropriate, but a lot of the time they use them where they could just as easily have used... anyone. An elaborately dressed and perfectly airbrushed model. A plain Casual goth in jeans and a T-shirt. A bearded forty year old man. A fourteen year old girl who hasn't quite got the makeup down yet. All these people. A big group of people of various shapes and sizes, some elaborately dressed, some not. Some with perfect hair and makeup, some with no makeup or untidy hair. Some fat, some thin, some short, some tall... I suppose what I'm basically saying here is that I wish a much wider cross-section of the subculture was used on blogs and in videos. By using just the 'perfect people' in everything, whether it's necessary or not, you risk setting up a beauty standard that is difficult or impossible for many people to attain, and if that happens there's likely to be people, particularly younger people, being made to feel as though the way they look isn't good enough, or that they're letting the side down or failing miserably because they can't get their lipstick to go right. And that's a trap I'd quite like the Goth subculture to not fall into.

Good thing 2: The fun of it.


There's a reason I eventually caved in and self-identified as Goth. I love the music, for a start. I love Bauhaus. I love the Cure. I love the Cruxshadows more and more every day. I have what it takes to love Sopor Aeturnus and her lyrical weirdness, to the stage where I have, in the past, got Feralia Genitalia stuck in my head and worried I'd end up wandering around college singing under my breath about my genitals falling off.

I love doing DIY jobs on my clothes. Slashing an old T-shirt to bits, changing buttons, adding chains, making kitschy jewellery out of craft shop compartments or bits of stationery. I'm a womble these days. I pick things up in shops of all sorts, markets, the kitchen drawer, and wonder what I can do with them. I even caught myself looking at a bit of synthetic hair that had fallen out of my friend's Lady Gaga wig and wondering if I could make use of it (I couldn't, surprisingly enough :p).

I love the clothes.

I love things that tend to get written off as scary or strange. I love weird things mainly because they're weird. Hell, I found myself looking at Malice Mizer with flying saucer eyes the first time I came across them age fourteen, because I hadn't seen anything like them before, and I loved that.

Some people say Goth is a mindset, others don't, I'm personally on the fence. However, when I hear people define 'the Goth mindset', I can often relate to it very well. Seeing good things where others don't. Being introspective and interested in psychological matters. Being creative. Having at least a slight pretentious streak (although I do try to keep her quiet and out of bother).

There's a subculture where I can be a tea addict and like anachronisms, and that's OK. I can also use words like 'anachronism' without worrying everyone will think I'm some horrible snob.

I daresay a lot of people would have me down as a poser. I could never really get into the Sisters, I'm yet to go to a Goth club, and I've never read Poe outside an English lesson (not because I dislike his works, it's mainly because I prefer long books with complex plots to short stories. There's a lot to admire about Poe, but in a contest between him and the latest Discworld/China Mieville doorstopper/bit of Neil Gaiman bizarroness, or a book with more social commentary than the entire 1960's packed between it's pages, he comes off worse). I don't worry about that too much any more though, partly for the resons I detailed in my first point, partly because I know that Goth is just me. And I love it.

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As I've taken so bloody long to update yet again (it's hard to ignore the fact that my EPQ exists), I've decided to throw Question 11 in here as well.

Day 11- Is Goth a lifestyle for you?:

I'll say yes to this one, simply because there's never a day when I'm "Not a Goth". For that to happen, my entire set of likes and dislikes would have to radically change for a day. The way I see it, even when I'm sat in my pyjamas listening to/watching/reading something very un-gothy, I'm a Goth. 

I don't think my brain likes tranquility.

Good news! I think I have the lapse under control at long last.

Bad news! My brain's being an overanalytical gitwizard instead.

It thinks I need to question my sexuality again. It thinks I need to question my sexuality because, well, people are always saying that depression and low self-esteem can cause sexual repression, and I have a background in both those things. It thinks I need to question my sexuality because, y'know, can I be so certain that the feelings I had during my relationship weren't really just because Adam was the wrong person for me? It thinks I need to question my sexuality because there's, like, some bloke on the internet who identified as ace at my age but suddenly developed sexual feelings at 21, and ohmigosh, what if I turn out to be the same?

It's fucking ridiculous.

Maybe this is fairly standard with asexuality. It is, after all, characterised by an absence of something, and therefore that little bit harder to nail down. There's a lot more misinformation around it, too. For one thing, the popular definition of asexuality is generally speaking a lot narrower than the asexual definition of asexuality, and it's sometimes hard not to let that have an effect. No matter how much you know it's OK to be asexual and want a relationship, if just as many people around you are telling you it's not, it can be difficult not to start calling things into question. It's also a lot harder to brush off 'you're just a late bloomer' type comments because logically, there's no real way you can be certain that's not the case. There are people in this world who feel nothing until their late teens or early twenties. Can you be sure identifying as ace before your eighteenth birthday isn't jumping the gun?

Mostly though, I think my worries are down to me. I know my mind. It attaches to the slightest uncertainty like a pitbull terrier and not let go until every microscopic shred of doubt is erased completely. Letting things alone to sort themselves out in time isn't something I've ever been very good at, and if I have any reason to doubt my sexuality, I'll triple and quadruple and octuple check, trying to bully myself into feeling sexual attraction in order to prove, yet again, that I don't have it.

I think my background is the big issue here. I have been bullied in my life, and from the age of about ten, some of the boys decided that the best way to bully me would be by sarcastically asking me out and feeling me up, the intention being making the idea that anyone could possibly be attracted to me completely ludicrous. In my mid teens, I got what I now strongly believe to be depression, which lowers sex drive.

Sometimes I wonder whether I internalised the bullying so much I walled up my sexual attraction as a response, and then had it depleted further by depression. All this depite the fact that:

A) Although it's never talked about, sexual bullying is more or less the go-to method for boys to bully girls. Every girl I know who has been bullied has been bullied in this manner at some stage, and none of them are asexual. They're all straight, or bi.

B) the bullying wasn't fun, but iit wasn't anywhere near serious enough to cause me to wall up parts of myself. I never got anything worse than a grope, and they were more annoying than anything else. I had a grand total of one legitimately horrible moment when I was around thirteen, but I think I was already questioning my sexuality by then.

C) I did internalise the bullying and begin to feel that I was a repulsive human being who would never have a relationship or sex. I panicked over this when I was around fifteen, seriously. But when I took a step backwards, I realised that the only reason for my panic was that I, in my depressive state, had managed to conflate 'having a boyfriend' and 'having sex' with 'being an adult'. I saw sex and relationships as rites of passage I had to go through in order to truly grow up. Once I realised this, I reassessed my motives, and realised that my screwed up associations were the only reason I had ever wanted sex in the first place. Without those associations, the appeal was... a minor curiosity to see what the fuss was about at some stage, but no more. I didn't want it. I had no desire for it. For the first time in a couple of years, I began to consider asexuality.

D) I haven't stopped considering asexuality since. In fact, it's been default.

E) If the bullying and depression made me wall up my sexual attraction... why do I still have romantic attraction? And why didn't I start to feel attracted to people again after getting into a serious relationship, proving the bullies wrong?

F) In mid year eleven, my depression decreased a lot, and since then most of my life has been either free or almost free of depression. And guess what? I have not, at any point, spontaneously developed sexual attraction.

Then, if you add to that:

G) I first came across the term 'asexual' when I was about twelve, and applied it to myself almost straight away. How I knew I don't know, as I wasn't even through puberty then, but I did. Before anything that could cause sexual repression had happened, I was questioning and leaning towards ace.

H) I dropped the 'asexual' label for a few years, but came back to it when I realised how much i didn't do and didn't want. I didn't have crushes. I had never searched for porn. Anything involving swapping body fluids seemed more awkward and yuck than anything else. If I hadn't known the word 'asexual', I would have been very confused from here on in.

I) As a child, I remember hearing my friends talk about boys they fancied. I, who didn't do this, told myself that it was OK to have crushes, and tried to force some. I latched onto any feeling, from mild affection for a person to hero-worship to actual romantic attraction (although I didn't know the word for it then) and called it a crush, honestly believing I was feeling the same as other people did. On reflection... it really wasn't.

J) Speaking of romantic attraction, the concept of it always existed in my mind. I knew romantic love and sexual attraction weren't the same, and I still sometimes struggle to understand why so many people are unable to mentally separate the two. The concept of physical attraction as separate also makes perfect sense to me, and in my experience that's something many sexual people get confused about.

K) 'Those' months with 'those' associations aside, when I imagined myself in a relationship, I didn't imagine sex. That hasn't changed.

L) My romantic attraction has no relation to the appearance of the person.

M) My relationship. Being in a relationship with a straight guy tends to make you realise just how ace you are.

N) I could easily go the rest of my life without sex. In fact, right now it's what I'd prefer.

O) Oh, and sexual attraction? I don't have it. I do seem to have little flickers of physical attraction, though, which I think is where some of the confusion stems from. I think I keep worrying if what I think is physical attraction is actually sexual, and using it to back up my insecurities. The more I think about it, the more I realise it's a load of bollocks.

Most importantly, though, is that I'm not willing to be an incomplete person until I'm twenty-five, refusing to give my orientation a name just on the offchance I one day turn out to have been wrong about it. Some people can postpone things like that, I can't. If in ten years time I find myself straight, or bi, or whatever... well, I'll cross that bridge then. Right now, and in all honesty most likely for good, I'm asexual, and that's all that has to matter.

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Day 9 – What genre of music do you dislike?: 

Country: Rap: Rn'B: Bubblegum pop. Yeah, stereotypical, I know. Mind you, outside that, I'm fairly versatile and listen to stuff from many different genres. I'm not one of those people who glues herself to one sub-subgenre of music and looks down on anyone who dares listen to to anything else. Oh, and I do also have a dislike for screamo, and that particular brand of Death Metal where it's just cookie monster vocals for five minutes. Cookie Monster vocals are fine in small doses, but if they're going throughout a whole song, I find it a bit annoying. 

Upcoming Autistic Speaking Day and Surpise competitions.

Good news! I've been a responsible human being and ordered a nice shiny copy of Undoing Depression, which is meant to be one of the best self help books on the subject around. So I'm not intending to just sit and let this mood go where I'm 99.9% sure it's going. I'm in the arena with this one.

Unfortunately, my resolve of getting my arse in gear hasn't been going to well, as you can see. In all fairness though, I'm blaming college for this one.

Finding things to talk about is also proving slightly tricky. You see, I want to include a lot of non-ranty posts, but that isn't easy as my life's a bit uneventful at the moment and I don't have much I can witter about. So, for today, I thought I'd fall briefly back on Neurodiversity, and specifically, Autistics Speaking Day, which is coming up this October.

The day itself is a way away yet, but I, not wanting to get caught short, started thinking about what to write almost immediately. That wasn't an easy task, either. I've already written about several of the bigger issues, and I didn't really want to just shove an old blog post in their direction with a "Here you go, take this". I considered writing about my childhood. I considered filming myself stimming and portraying it in a positive light, until I realised you need a decent camera for that, and I don't have one.

In the end, I decided to go back to basics. I will be writing about why I support neurodiversity in the first place. This isn't as lazy as it sounds. In fact, I think it sort of has to be done. A lot of people view ND supporters as kooks, and I've seen the ND movement as a collective compared to all sorts- The Flat Earth Society, Indigo Children champions, people who want to give plants the vote... you name it, somebody thinks ND's worse than it. Now, obviously this is ridiculous and needs to change, and taking steps to convey just how important ND is and what it's real goals are is therefore something that needs to be done. In detail. Which I have every intention of doing. Yeah... I won't holding back on this one, people.

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Day 8: What are your worst and best experiences with non-Goths?

Best: I can't think of anything in particular, but my boots seem to get positive reactions, sometimes Oh-wow-those-are-epic very positive reactions, more often than not. I've had people compliment my hair pretty frequently, too. Plus one friend 

Worst: OK, this experience isn't so much bad as it is confusing, but it's more interesting than people shouting 'Emo!' at me from the other side of the road, so here we go:

Dress as you please day. Year 10. Most people who had been into alt clothing in year nine were, by this stage, returning to mainstream fashions, leaving me one of just two Babybats in the year. Needless to say, we stood out a bit more than we had done in previous years. Now, this other Babybat found his feet with Goth quicker than I did, and on this particular day, he was in Steampunk goggles and a full trenchcoat, while I was wearing a Marilyn Manson T shirt, brand name trousers, and... probably just one striped armwarmer (This is something that's never changed- I'll never wear a pair of gloves if I can just wear one). Mind you, l also had my New Rocks and beloved leather jacket, so swings and roundabouts.

So, to summarise the general situation; One fifteen year old was already well acquainted enough with Goth to take large amounts of inspiration from it; another wasn't quite so certain, and was still experimenting with the slightly more mainstream rock and metal subcultures. Not a newsworthy circumstance, really. Or so you'd think.

At Lunchtime, as I was going up the library steps, one of my friends caught up with me and this happened:

Him: (solemnly) I'm sorry, Louise, but Matt's won." 

Me: (pretending to not have guessed what he was on about) Won what?

Him: "You know, the Goth thing. Matt's better dressed up than you. 

Whether the other Goth ever got informed that, Congratulations, he'd won a Goth-off he'd had no idea he was involved in, and was 'dressed up', I don't know. But for me... I had no idea how to respond. I vaguely remember doing a lot of walking away in bafflement and not saying what I wanted to due to a feeling that it would only get me shunted into the position of 'sore loser'. The whole thing was also a bit of a BLAM- my friend made a couple of comments like this throughout the day (in fact, I've sandwiched two together up there), but once that day was over nothing... ever got mentioned again.

Until now, of course.

Sorry, Old Wyvern Friend, on the off chance you're reading this and recognise yourself. You have my full permission to extract revenge and tell the world about something silly I did as a fourteen year old. Fair's fair, after all.

I also have a best worst experience: I was walking to the hairdressers, dressed down a bit because hair dye and shampoo are best kept away from jewellery and favourite clothes. On  the way, I passed a group of kids on the way home from school. They took one look at me and started debating, loudly, as to whether or not I was, like, totally emo, innit. Part of the exchange went thus: 

"God, look, emo!" 

"What are you on about, she's not emo!"

"Yeah she is, she's walking fire, mate!" 

Now... I have no idea what the lad meant by 'Walking Fire', but it's definitely the single most awesome insult on the face of the earth. I couldn't help but smile. 

Excuses

I'm well aware that I haven't updated for... too long. It's a mixture of me being busy; me leaving it too late in the day, getting tired and deciding to go to bed rather than inflict several paragraphs of half-asleep gibberish on the world; and me being in a bit of a funny mood. Out of those three, the first is likely to become a bigger problem as college starts again. The second... well, my bad time management is certainly something I'd like to get under control, and probably something I'll have to get under control if I want to get into a decent uni. And the third? Um... let's just say I'm back with Auntie Moodgym for the foreseeable and leave it at that.

So, yeah, it's half within my control and half outside it. I'll do my best to stop slacking, but getting an entry in every day might not be doable. I'll see.

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Day 7: List ten of your favourite Goth bands: 


Now, I know just how subjective 'what counts as Goth' can be, and as a result I've decided not to worry too much about keeping within the boundaries. I'm aware that I'll never please everyone unless I play it extremely safe, so I'm going to trust my personal judgement and take a couple of risks. Meaning there may be artists on this list that you personally wouldn't consider Goth.

So, in no particular order...

1: Faith and the Muse: 
- Classic Gothic rock with a celtic edge.
- I've never found a song by them I didn't like.
- They have political songs. Considering how rare that is among Goth bands, this earns them points.
 - Favourite song: Sovereign.


2: Silver Ash: 
- Visual Kei/Gothic rock. Probably the biggest shoe-in on the list.
- They were China's first Visual Kei band, and are one of the best in the scene overall. (In my opinion, anyway)
- They really are horrendously underrated, especially considering the sacrifices they had to make and problems they had to face during their career.
- Favourite song: Lunar Eclipse


3: Sopor Aeturnus and the Ensemble of Shadows:
- Darkwave/Neoclassical/Gothic Rock
- Most of her songs contain incredibly bleak or disturbing subject matter, which is depicted graphically enough to have a real emotional impact.
- Many songs are autobiographical, which gives them a highly personal edge.
- Favourite song: The Goat


4: The Cruxshadows:
- Gothic Rock/Darkwave/ Synthpop
- I haven't explored this band much yet- because I keep getting obsessed with every other song by them I hear. It's hard to get through someone's back catalogue when all you want to do is play every new song again... and again... and again...
- Contrary to Sopor, it's the Cruxshadows' energy that sets them apart in my eyes.
- Favourite song: Winterborn


5: Bauhaus: 
- Classic Gothic Rock
- I know. Predictable. Is there even any point describing this band? Their awesomeness almost goes without saying.
- Well, I'll say something general: Peter Murphy's vocal style. I'm so glad it became a staple of Goth music.
- Favourite song: Who Killed Mr. Moonlight


6: The Dresden Dolls: 
- Dark Cabaret/Alternative rock
- I've never found a song I disliked here either.
- These guys are lyrical genii. Seriously. The vast majority of songs manage to be both multi-layered and emotionally charged.
- Favourite song: Delilah


7: Velvet Eden: 
- Darkwave/Visual Kei
- I looked up these guys on a whim. They turned out to be one of the best finds of my life. Their music is just... wonderful. And perfect.
- They are very unique and have a strong signature style, making them one of the best VK bands... ever, really.
- Favourite song: Tsuki Kumo Nocturne


8: Eve of Destiny: 
- Goth/Darkwave
- How these guys weren't more successful is beyond me. The members, Kozi and Haruhiko Ash, were both established and successful musicians, and the quality of the music reflected that.
- Their stuff is notoriously hard to find. Look into them anyway. You won't regret it.
- Favourite song: Nervous and Innocence. (Which is currently my ringtone)


9: Emilie Autumn: 
- Victorian Industrial
- What I really love about EA's music is how raw it is. She doesn't pull punches lyrically or musically. Even the instrumentals tell a story.
- From what I've gathered, the stage shows are great fun. Just watching Emilie and the Bloody Crumpets bounce off each other cracks me up.
- Favourite song: Marry Me


10: Blam Honey: 
- Industrial/Visual Kei
- I love how creative they are with their music, and how detailed their pieces are.
- They're also underrated. Even by me. I... neglect them far too much.
- Favourite song: Enlarge Disorder

Back to Activism!

I've had an Event on the neurodiversity front. I read an amazing, powerful blog post this morning that really struck a chord with me. I commented on it, complimenting the writer and stating how glad I was to know that it wasn't just me who suspected spectrum children were being raised as people pleasers. Next thing I know, Ari Ne'eman's adding me on Facebook.

One of the biggest names in neurodiversity knows I exist. I'm... not entirely sure how to react to that. Sad, I know.

In other news, I finally de-lurked on AVEN today. Why? Because somebody's trying to round people up for some asexual representation at next year's World Pride, and I just had to put my name down. It's too good an idea to not get involved in! I mean, asexuals as a group need to rack up some visibility, and Obviously, I can't be certain I'll be able to make it yet, but seeing as I'm already excitedly planning what to wear, what to take, whether it would be better to fork out for a B&B or join the many cheapskates who'll be crashing on people's floors... well, chances are it'll take some unforeseen disaster to keep me away.

Now, I'm well aware that what I've just said may elicit bafflement from some. A lot of people seem to be quite firmly against mixing asexuality with the rest of LGBT+, but I've personally never really understood that stance. Some people insist asexuality's a 'whole different ball game' from LGBT. This is true, but it overlooks the fact that the 'T' is fundamentally very different to the LGB as well. In fact, I'd say that every letter in the alphabet soup holds it's own unique experiences that will single it out from every other, to varying degrees. Every identity under the LGBT+ umbrella is different, but because they all count as sexual or gender related minorities, they unite. Not perfectly or evenly, or without infighting, but they group together nonetheless, and... I don't see why it should be any different for us. I simply look at it from the strength in numbers point of view: if everyone unites, everyone gets more people and stands a better chance. What's so wrong about that?

Anyway... as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to London next year and it will be awesome. Provided I don't get horrendously lost on the underground, that is. Eep.

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Day 6: Hand-write your favourite lyric and take a picture: 


Well, my handwriting comes straight from the 'drunk spider jumps in a pot of ink and then goes rollerblading across the paper' school of neatness, but if you insist...

Apologies for blurriness. If you can't see, these are the end lyrics of The Dresden Dolls' Delilah. They weren't a clear choice- I have a lot of favourite lyrics, and choosing just one set wasn't easy. To be honest, I probably only settled on these because I was listening to the song a lot that day.

Anyway, why do I love these lyrics? Well, to me, Delilah is one of the ultimate friendship songs, and I'd hazard a guess that most people can relate to it in one way or another. Most of us have been in Amanda's shoes, watching a close friend go on the self destruct despite all our best efforts, and the sheer bloody-minded frustration that can bring is represented in the lyrics beautifully. Amanda childishly insults her friend, expresses disbelief, tells her she'll 'get what she deserves' as though giving up on her... but at the end she still comes back and mops up, because she still cares and nothing Delilah does, no matter how stupid, can change that. Most of us of us have been in Delilah's shoes as well, making a bad decision or falling into a downward spiral that makes whichever friends who are 'in the know' fear for our health, safety, or even life. The Dresden Dolls are wonderful at hitting the nail on the head when it comes to human emotion, and Delilah is one of the best examples of that in so many ways. It's an awesome song with awesome lyrics, and it's taking pride of place here on Day 6.

On Motivation. Oh dear.

The exact cause of my motivation problems isn't something I've been able to work out, but I know there must have been a trigger as the issues I currently have with focus and drive weren't always there. In years seven and eight I wrote a draft of an entire, full length book, doing a page or more a night almost religiously, plus recreational creative writing, and seldom missing a homework deadline on top of that. I was a pretty ambitious kid who achieved well and never struggled to complete tasks unless they were particularly boring or difficult.

Things changed at some point in my early teens. Around the same time that I developed the depression I mentioned in my previous post, as it happens, which might explain quite a lot- with depression, your willpower is one of the first things that goes. But exactly what happened- whether I spent so much time trying to socialise that everything else fell by the wayside; whether the depression wore me out; whether I just lost confidence in myself or my abilities; whether I began to doubt that any of the work I had once viewed as important would actually get me anywhere; a combination of several of these... I don't know, but it has had quite a drastic and lasting effect. I have the attention span of a gnat these days. I struggle to revise and I don't work as well as I know I could when it comes to college, because I just can't seem to pin my mind down. I enjoy creative writing, and I keep telling myself I'll do some today, tomorrow, next week, next month, but it never quite seems to happen. It's as though I just don't have the patience for it anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm improving, when I complete a piece of work or DIY project- even blogging this regularly feels like it counts- but next thing I know I'm back to spending silly amounts of time not getting anything productive done. It worries me.

And then came this week. And results. And while my results varied between better and worse than what I'd hoped, it began to dawn on me just how choosy universities can be and how much I'd have to improve in order to get into a good one. That, alongside my mild competitive streak, temporarily startled me into discarding everything else and getting some of my long-neglected EPQ done. Whether this really can be the kick up the arse I need, I don't know, but it's had more of an effect than anything else for a long time.

It's even inspired me a bit on the creative writing front... I'm semi-considering starting up another blog specifically for that. Letting any of my actual, detailed, fiction loose on the internet isn't something I'm exactly enthuiastic about doing right now, so if it happens it'll probably be full of little paragraphs of practice fiction and dodgy opinion rants and reviews for a while. Better than nothing, I suppose.

Sorry if any of this has come out a bit depressing, I didn't really intend it to, espcially seeing as my reaction to results day looks like it'll be a pretty good thing for me. So, to end on a lighter note... I've finally got round to customising this blog, and I'm pretty happy with it. The artwork in the background quickly became a favourite after I stumbled across it on a Facebook page, and I find it quite sad that I can't seem to find out what it's called or who painted it. If I ever learn these things, I'll probably post. And then look up every piece the artists's ever done in history, because I'm like that.

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Is there a local Goth band or group in your area?: 

To demonstrate exactly how off the pulse my finger can be at times... I couldn't tell you. I mean, I have no idea whether or not any established bands come from Hampshire, and while there are almost certainly a few recreational or unsigned bands scuttling around, but I don't pay enough attention to the grassroots music scene to be able to give names. All I can really say is that if there is somebody local trying to get a Goth band going, which I hope there is, then I wish them luck. That's it. 

Terrible, I know. 

... and now, I'll talk about something I generally don't.

Well... i spent yesterday changing the buttons on a shirt whilst half-watching Diamanda Hagan's Raspberry Reich review.  

There's not a lot I can say about that. 

I spent today... well, it involved a very long walk, much frustration, exam results that could've been better, a stiff drink and a lot of blind panic about next year. 

I could go into detail about that. But I don't want to. Really. 

So, with that out, it looks like we're finally back to Neurodiversity (I warned you that you hadn't seen the last of it), and specifically, stimming. Stimming, for those who don't know, is basically a repetitive movement that people on the autistic spectrum perform to control or express one emotion or another. I'm going to use this post to de-mystify it a bit, because while it often gets described with a "What is this strange, unfathomable behaviour of which you speak" sort of tone, it's something that's very familiar to me. It's something I've done, normally without even thinking about, more or less since I could walk. 

It isn't really something I talk about in daily life, because even though I'm quite an open person who doesn't, as a rule, hide things for fear of what people think, stimming was always the big exception to that rule. For years, I didn't believe I could tell my neurotypical friends, no matter how nonchalantly, without them instantly deciding I was crazy and instantly backing off. Recently, though, thanks to increased maturity and a few positive experiences, my feelings about that have changed. I'm going to be open about this. Yep, you're witnessing an official coming out, people. About bloody time.  

So, my pacing. It's not really a classic example of stimming, you don't often see it mentioned in articles, but I have done this all my life. When I first started school, this is what I would spend my breaktimes doing- walking or running around alone, telling myself little stories. I knew other kids didn't do this and that several of the teachers had it marked down as a red flag, but I wasn't really bothered. It was instinct. It was fun. I was innocent enough to not really be dissuaded by the curiosity and questions of what seemed like every authority figure within a five mile radius. 

Of course, these days it's a bit different. I've long stopped stimming in public (or at least, stimming openly. Disguised stimming still happens), and I no longer talk whilst stimming. I still do it, though. Switching some music on and just walking around a the house at random, in circles, is as normal as watching television or getting a drink of water. I stim without realising. I trip over things whilst stimming. I get annoyed by having to stop stimming to answer the phone and fend off the telemarketer at the other end. I get up to stim whilst doing other something passive to clear my head, before sitting back down and carrying on. I took my headphones out of my computer to stim with my Ipod in just a moment ago, and almost forgot to bring them back. 

So, why do I do it? Well... it's different for everyone, but for me the best way to describe it is an energy surge. If I'm using my imagination or thinking about something that engages me intellectually or emotionally, I get an adrenaline rush, sometimes a huge overwhelming one, sometimes a slight one, and I just have to... move around. It's simple as that, really, and to me it feels like the most natural thing in the world to do, which makes it hard to explain in detail. Trying to explain exactly why I stim is like trying to explain exactly why I laugh- you can't say it's involuntary because it's controllable, but it's an automatic reaction, and trying to suppress the urge to do it can be annoying. Not being able to stim when I want to makes me feel a bit like I'm in a straightjacket, and it tends to make me somewhat disengaged from whatever I'm meant to be paying attention to. 

As for what stimming itself feels like... well, it varies. It can be very intense or very calm and casual, depending on what I'm thinking about and how strong the resulting rush is. The most intense stimming almost detaches me from the world for a while- I find myself having no interest in anything else, and tasks that demand I stay still and/or focus become a real chore. I think, random as it sounds, that webcam calls are perhaps the most frustrating thing I can do when I'm in this mood, because I have to stay in one place, sitting rather than standing, and give someone else my undivided attention, making easing myself back into a sociable frame of mind by thinking about more calming things difficult.

The least intense stimming, on the other hand doesn't involve any problems like that. It manifests as an absent-minded urge to walk and barely feels like anything. It all comes down to what I'm feeling. In fact, I suppose stimming is, in short, just a way of getting strong emotions out of your system. No matter how odd it looks (and while, despite thoughts of making a Statement! video, I've never bothered to film myself stimming, it kind of goes without saying that someone pacing in circles for half an hour straight would look very odd indeed) that's all it is.

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Day 4: Name a Stereotype or cliche you can relate to: 

• Hate- hot weather and bright sunshine. Love- thunderstorms, mist on fields, and short winter daylight hours. 
• Bats are completely adorable, as are many snakes. I don't mind spiders much, either, big skittish impossible-to-catch ones notwishstanding. 
• Cobwebs are pretty.
• Yes, I do the little eyeliner swirls. I know a lot of people think it's really daft, but to them, I say simply 'Don't like it, don't look at it'. 
• I suppose this is more of a subversion, as I did my utmost to hide it and and certainly didn't find it cool or desirable, but I've had depression. Needless to say, it had nothing to do with me being a Goth, and I didn't go running back to mainstream fashion the second I began to get over it. I was a person, who happened to be a babybat, who's brain just didn't play nicely for a while. It wasn't fun, and I can't describe how happy I am to be well on the way to getting rid of it. 
• If broomsticks existed, I would own one. They're awesome. 
• I was born on Wednesday the 13th of October, at around midnight, during a storm. 
• I am interested in the darker sides of mythology and folklore. Not really vampires, though, so I might be disqualified. 
• I love Bauhaus and the Cure. 
• I don't actively seek 'disturbing' or 'freakish' things, but I am quite open minded and hard to shock. I know there are lots of things people do that I don't bat an eyelid at, but cause many others to freak out.
• I'm naturally pale. To the point where the lightest foundation shade of many brands makes me look borderline ganguro.