Monday, 22 August 2011

On Motivation. Oh dear.

The exact cause of my motivation problems isn't something I've been able to work out, but I know there must have been a trigger as the issues I currently have with focus and drive weren't always there. In years seven and eight I wrote a draft of an entire, full length book, doing a page or more a night almost religiously, plus recreational creative writing, and seldom missing a homework deadline on top of that. I was a pretty ambitious kid who achieved well and never struggled to complete tasks unless they were particularly boring or difficult.

Things changed at some point in my early teens. Around the same time that I developed the depression I mentioned in my previous post, as it happens, which might explain quite a lot- with depression, your willpower is one of the first things that goes. But exactly what happened- whether I spent so much time trying to socialise that everything else fell by the wayside; whether the depression wore me out; whether I just lost confidence in myself or my abilities; whether I began to doubt that any of the work I had once viewed as important would actually get me anywhere; a combination of several of these... I don't know, but it has had quite a drastic and lasting effect. I have the attention span of a gnat these days. I struggle to revise and I don't work as well as I know I could when it comes to college, because I just can't seem to pin my mind down. I enjoy creative writing, and I keep telling myself I'll do some today, tomorrow, next week, next month, but it never quite seems to happen. It's as though I just don't have the patience for it anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm improving, when I complete a piece of work or DIY project- even blogging this regularly feels like it counts- but next thing I know I'm back to spending silly amounts of time not getting anything productive done. It worries me.

And then came this week. And results. And while my results varied between better and worse than what I'd hoped, it began to dawn on me just how choosy universities can be and how much I'd have to improve in order to get into a good one. That, alongside my mild competitive streak, temporarily startled me into discarding everything else and getting some of my long-neglected EPQ done. Whether this really can be the kick up the arse I need, I don't know, but it's had more of an effect than anything else for a long time.

It's even inspired me a bit on the creative writing front... I'm semi-considering starting up another blog specifically for that. Letting any of my actual, detailed, fiction loose on the internet isn't something I'm exactly enthuiastic about doing right now, so if it happens it'll probably be full of little paragraphs of practice fiction and dodgy opinion rants and reviews for a while. Better than nothing, I suppose.

Sorry if any of this has come out a bit depressing, I didn't really intend it to, espcially seeing as my reaction to results day looks like it'll be a pretty good thing for me. So, to end on a lighter note... I've finally got round to customising this blog, and I'm pretty happy with it. The artwork in the background quickly became a favourite after I stumbled across it on a Facebook page, and I find it quite sad that I can't seem to find out what it's called or who painted it. If I ever learn these things, I'll probably post. And then look up every piece the artists's ever done in history, because I'm like that.

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Is there a local Goth band or group in your area?: 

To demonstrate exactly how off the pulse my finger can be at times... I couldn't tell you. I mean, I have no idea whether or not any established bands come from Hampshire, and while there are almost certainly a few recreational or unsigned bands scuttling around, but I don't pay enough attention to the grassroots music scene to be able to give names. All I can really say is that if there is somebody local trying to get a Goth band going, which I hope there is, then I wish them luck. That's it. 

Terrible, I know. 

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